by A tired working mother stood in the classroom doorway, ready to depart with her two sons. Separated in age by two years, the boys were as different in appearance as they were in temperament, but they were great kids. They enjoyed math and reading, laughed hard and punched hard. They loved learning, loved life, loved each other.
Mom’s secret: “There are many ways to love a child,” she said. “I keep it simple. I have expectations. I accept mistakes. And I celebrate the process.”
Parenting is not consistent or predictable. Loving a child is not always fun or easy. Establishing a few flexible, healthy habits is a parent’s best demonstration of love.
One: Eat Together
Research has validated what most parents once understood intuitively: Nothing is more valuable to a child’s physical, emotional, intellectual and social health than a daily family meal. Sit at a table, turn the television off, use utensils and napkins. It’s a simple act with profound implications. The advantages for the life of a child far exceed the parent’s investment of time and energy.
Two: Keep it Real
Wii is a fun distraction on a cold, rainy day. There are countless cable channels for kids, educational videos, electronic games designed to challenge and stimulate young minds.
None of these devices compare to time spent walking, talking, playing or reading with a parent. There is no substitute for green fields, real sports equipment, friends, playgrounds and fresh air.
Children do not feel loved in virtual worlds. To thrive, kids need to touch, move, feel and talk. They should experience the joys of conversation, the disappointment of defeat, and the drama of human relationship. A child’s fine and gross motor skills develop through the use of her hands, her mind and her body. Her vocabulary expands through the alternating, interactive use of her voice, her mind and her ears. She is successful socially because she learns from her parents’ relationship how to love in the real world.
Three: Mentors and Partners
Grandparents are treasure-troves of memories, ideas, observations and cautions. Most grandparents remember some effective parenting techniques and will confess decisions they regret. Experienced teachers can offer advice that is age-appropriate, reflecting their years working with specific populations of young people. Parents of older children can anticipate phases and speak with the advantages of hindsight.
Parenting decisions are rarely quick or easy. Age and person-appropriate expectations are seldom obvious. Parenting without help is terrifying and dangerous. A brief, thoughtful conversation can be mind-altering, shifting a parent’s heart from despair, confusion or anxiety to optimism and hope.
Those fortunate parents with a committed, loved partner: hold on tight. Children learn about love through observation and imitation. Parenting is exhausting. Find time and energy to fall in love again.
Four: Read Together
Start young, and stick with it. Literacy is an essential foundation to academic success. Parents who read to and later with their children give them the best possible preparation for school, a firm foundation for learning, a ticket to travel around the world without leaving home.
Five: Welcome Failure
Parents who establish a friendly attitude toward mistakes and failures raise resilient children. Loving a child who has made a mistake, failed a test, or fallen down on the field, means standing firmly in place while natural, appropriate consequences unfold.
A child’s confidence grows through independent experiences of failure, perseverance and success, her understanding that her parents believe she can handle the difficult situation she is facing. Oddly enough, the most meaningful expressions of love for a child require parents to be silent and still, watchful, hopeful . . . but steadfast and smiling on the sidelines.
Six: Assign Chores
A child first acquires confidence and a sense of competence by contributing to the daily life of his family. Children who first experience work in their home understand that work and love flow simultaneously in happy families. A three-year old can fold napkins; a five year old can pull the trash can to the curb; an eight year old can wash the car weekly. Chores and responsibilities should change as children age, increasing as the child grows in strength, knowledge and confidence.
Seven: Maintain Authority
Many years ago I worked with a wise mother who had one preciously intelligent daughter, the only child in a loving marriage. Among her many fine qualities, this mother was honest, open, and absolutely committed to raising a daughter who would grow to be as strong as she was born smart.
At a parent-teacher conference, she told me her daughter didn’t like being told what to do. Faced with a direct instruction, she often told her mom, “I don’t like you any more. You’re not my friend.”
Exaggerating her genteel southern accent, this fine mother said she had a fixed response: “Darling, I didn’t give birth to you because I needed a friend.”
Healthy children challenge authority and test boundaries, arbitrarily and repeatedly. Most parents know this, yet feel exasperated, shocked, surprised and appalled when their children challenge and test. Love for a child must include repeated expressions of parental strength and dominance, calm reminders that families are not democracies. Children grow up feeling safe, loved and secure when they know their parents are in charge, looking out for the best interests of the children and the family.
HI! I am the editor of the West Chester Mothers of Twins and More Club and I would love permission to reprint your article “Seven Ways to Love a Child: A Valentine for Parents” in our newsletter. –marci
of course. thanks for asking
I really enjoyed reading this article! Thank you!
So without asking I sent this to all of my families Jennifer. Please forgive me. My brain went right to get this amazing info out to your familes. You are a gifted writer. I miss you. I have had 4 comments already about loving the article. Made me realize that dinner has to be a priority again…so busy with a teenager. All the best.
SO strange . . . I was just thinking of you 10 minutes ago, wondering how you are. I’m so glad you shared this article, and knew I wouldn’t mind. If you didn’t already, send it to your teachers.
Miss you, too. Keep it touch. Best of luck with the teenager. He’s lucky to have you.
Hi I teach 3 years classroom in an International school in Kigali Rwanda and would like to sahre this great article with the parents of my students. Thank you so much!
This is such a wise and beautiful piece ~ thank you so much for writing and sharing. As a mother and grandmother, I know the truth of which you speak. Thank you!
This article was in my email this morning. Thank you for putting it all down on paper so beautifully. It does take a lot of energy to parent with intent but it is a gift to ourselves and our children to do so.
Isabelle, it delights me to know parents in Rowanda might enjoy this piece. I’ve never been there, but it feels good to know there are good teachers at work in every corner of our world.
L’Tanya and Orala, thanks for taking time to respond. I’m really grateful.
Jennifer you truly are a talented writer and a wise parent and teacher! It is an honor to work with you and to be your friend. I look forward to your next publication!
Jennifer you are AWESOME!! This is such a great article. I wish and hope all parents could read this article. It is a great reminder of all the important things in life. Keep writing! You are an inspiration to parents and teachers.
Thank you, Jennifer; for making it so elegantly simple and wonderfully wise! I love the “seven,” and that you take the time to tell what loving a child includes, the intention and grit and perseverance that are the basic ingredients of love.
Buenos días y gracias por este artículo. Te pido permiso para compartir lo en la página facebook de “Escola de mares i pares”. Gracias y un saludo
Buenos dias!
Por supuesto que puedes compartirlo en tu pagina de facebook. Gracias por preguntarme. De donde es usted? Eres maestra?
Saludos
Hi Jennifer,
One of my fathers sent this great article to me, for which I am very grateful. I would like to share this article with all of my parents at our school. Would you give me permission to do so? Thank you!
Hi Jennifer, I was an assistant to Michelle at Decatur Montessori way back when 🙂 Nice to see your face and lovely article as a Montessorian and a mother of two.
Hanne, thanks for asking. Please do share. Where do you teach?
Valde, What a blast from the past. So good to know our lives still overlap in at least one small way!
I couldn’t stop reading the article.
It is so helpful and refreshing.
I can feel your love for children.
So hard to be a mom.. but thank you for such an insight.
HI I would like to share your article. Thank you.
Thank you for this wonderful article! In Romania, we celebrate Children’s Day on June 1st and we are considering sharing your article as a gift for parents and kids. Would you please be so kind to give us permission to translate your article and share it with parents in our country?
http://www.montessori.org.ro
http://www.institutulmontessori.ro
This is beautiful and inspiring. I’m going to print it out and put it on our fridge so I can still remember the messages when everything is crazy. Thank you so much.
Cate, mother of a ten month old, London.
Every word in your article is true and inspiring. Sometimes we parents need to be reminded of these little facts, very much appreciated. Thank you.
Mother of a 8 year old daughter from Dubai.