by There was a time when bullies were easy to spot. On playgrounds and sidewalks, in swimming pools and cafeterias, they were the biggest boys. A good bully usually had at least one flunky on his left, one on his right, a few thugs skulking behind. Bullies knew how to avoid teachers, throw a punch, identify weakness, and instill fear.
There was a time when parents and teachers did not worry much about bullies. They were a part of the social fabric, despised but accepted. Part of growing up was, for most kids, acquiring survival skills. Parents dealt with bullies only in extreme cases. Teachers seldom intervened.
In a mind-boggling distortion of reasonable fear and intelligence, bullying is now routinely headline news. Terrorized by reports of suicide and depression, parents hover and micro-manage. We know internet bullies use their iPods as weapons. We scan classrooms, scroll through text messages, study Facebook pages and Instagram, frantically searching for hints of violence. Today’s bully could be a geek or a girl, an old-fashioned tough-guy, a fourth-grade kid with unsupervised internet access, or a Minecraft addict.
Internet use is breathtakingly easy, but also complex and dangerous. Kids are curious. They like to experiment, test boundaries, exaggerate, and goof around. It is fun to play with social media, experimenting with human relationships in ways that, especially to preteens, seem less threatening. Good kids accidentally bully, using internet tools that make their errors and indiscretions permanent and public. A son or a daughter can suddenly look a lot like a bully.
Simple routines can deter some bullying.
- Children younger than six should not ever have unsupervised access to social media or the internet.
- Computers should be used and kept in community space, never in bedrooms.
- Passwords should be shared with parents.
- Moms and dads should scroll through their children’s texts and social media sites weekly. When parents suspect a problem, checking more often is appropriate and helpful.
- Phones should be docked in parent-attended community space, every night before bed. Teens should never take their phones into their bedrooms at night.
- Even adolescents can and should live with the understanding that privacy is a responsibility and not a right.
- Parents should occasionally talk about the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, using language and examples that are connected and relevant to their children.
Good household habits will of course not eliminate bullying. There have always been bullies, and there probably always will be. Kids have always made mistakes, grown up too fast, and practiced random acts of defiance. Middle school remains a cesspool of cruelty.
Nonetheless, most healthy kids can still intuit differences between safe and dangerous, good and bad, appropriate and obscene. Creepy still feels creepy. Most good parents miss some dangerous behavior and deliberately ignore small infractions, but remain ready and willing to intervene when things run amuck.
Raising children is surprisingly difficult, so much so, parents and teachers in every era have felt certain their job is harder than it ever has been. The truth is, protecting kids has always involved a lot of attention, discipline, boundaries, and clearly defined limits. Today’s bully does not stick out in a crowd, but the best protection looks the same. Parents must give their kids a reliable inner compass, and a clear, stable moral code.
Thanks, for the article ….
Thank you for a very timely article dealing with a very painful topic. I hope many parents will read this and practice a new skill they learn when relating to their children.
Thanks for the article
Great points. However, if a parent is a bully I believe that privacy is a child’s right, as it helps the child to survive.
Great article! Thanks for posting! I wanted to share my story with you. I know that there will always be bullies, and that it is our duty as parents to be on the lookout and show our children to stand up for themselves… But I had an awful experience with my 6 year old in a Montessori school. The older kids (8 and 9 year olds) bullied my kid all day long, and he didn’t say anything out of fear. One day, he came home with a swollen cheek. That’s when he told us he had been bullied since day 1 (this was almost 2 months after school had started, last year). His dad and I went to look for some answers at school, and the authorities totally denied it. They said my son was lying, and that his problems were due to our awful parenting. It was really painful to watch how teachers and principals didn’t want to take action on such matters. Long story short, we took my son out of this school and into another one where he only interacts with children his age. He is really happy now. I wonder if my son’s teacher was not paying enough attention to what was going on in the classroom and maybe gave too much power to the older kids? Guess what I’m trying to say is that, in addition to being attentive at home to what’s going on at school, schools should make fighting bullying a number 1 priority. Thanks for reading me!
Olivia and Astrid, thanks for your comments. I had not thought of your points, I suppose because I have not often worked with bully-parents or negligent teachers, though I know they exist.
I would like to believe bullies and abusers would read something I wrote and consider a different approach, or consider another profession. The truth is, though, teachers and parents who read articles on mm.com are typically involved and attuned, watching carefully, trying to keep the children they care feeling safe and secure.
Most Montessori classrooms depend on mixed ages, and find it to be an inspiration model for learning. It’s been my good fortune to be a part of that learning.
There are also other ways in which we Montessorians can support safe and inclusive schools for all children.
I currently sit on the Board of Oregon Safe Schools and Communities Coalition, a non-profit doing “safe schools” work here in Oregon. It’s been a great chance to both help support this important cause, but also to keep Montessori at the table during education discussions when it might otherwise not have been represented. A double win, in my opinion.
I strongly encourage folks to consider helping promote safe schools outside their own immediate community, and yes, even outside of Montessori acumen. There are many organizations dedicated to this type of work; at the school, District, and legislative levels.
If anyone has questions about what their state’s laws say about anti-bullying, this is a great place to look: http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/index.html
Keep up the good work, everyone!
Hello,
I must say My boy who is the sensitive type had problems in two montessori schools he attended. Older boys teased him or excluded him sometimes and then let him play with them other times. the girls liked him and wanted to play with him so he sometimes played with them but got teased by other boys. Children were not properly supervised and the staff had no training in modern pedagogy. When I complained that my son was scared of some other children the school said they were used to anxious mothers and that he was perfectly happy in montessori and some gruff between boys was normal. To me that sounds like a very outdated view of what to expect from boys. They didn’t work together with me trying to solve the situation. As soon as I put him in a state school all the problems dissapeared. His new teacher has been completely transparent and open about everything that happens in the Class room and she managed to solve the beginning of an unhealthy dynamic in the group within days just by guiding the children a little in their play. I didn’t understand untill I took a course in pedagogy how much the modern school is inspired more by Maslow and vygotsky I guess they add elements of Montessori and Reggio Emilia I suppose? I was very dissapointed by the montessori schools. I wonder why no- one ever opened a “vygotsky” school and charged a lot of money for it?
This was in London by the way. I don’t know anything about American state schools or what pedagogy they use?