by If you are a parent of a young child who attends school, you have probably been told not to ask your child about their day at pick up. So many parents ask me, why is that? It seems so natural to ask the ones you love about their day when you come back together. It actually seems like it may be a part of helping a child adapt to his culture through grace and courtesy. So why are we asked to refrain from the questions?
First, your child who is younger than five years old lives in the moment. This means that when you come to pick him up from school, he is enjoying the moment of seeing you again and may be full of gratitude for that moment. If in that moment, you ask, ” How was your day?” Or ” what did you do today?” he may be caught off guard and unable to answer your question. In his mind, he is enjoying the present and not recapping the day in his head. The ability to recap the day is a function of the reasoning mind of an older child, not the absorbent mind of your young child.
Next, children who feel compelled to answer their parents when asked, “Did you do any work today?” May feel unneeded pressure to perform. If he doesn’t have an answer at that very moment he may come up with an activity he remembers, a person he recalls, or a staple answer that has seemed to work in the past: “Snack.”
Also, because many children don’t imagine each moment of their time at school to be nearly as significant as their parents see it, they don’t always share the details. As a parent, you may find it very interesting that they practiced sandpaper letters and learned four new sounds today. However, your child may just see it as another good day of work.
So, as parents, how do we connect with our children at the end of the day? How do we learn about the details of the day without putting them on the spot or forcing them to come up with something?
We model.
We model conversation about our day. This can be done with another adult or an older child, but this can also be done as an individual. Imagine you pick up your child from school. You see his sweet face, you embrace and say, “Hello, it is so nice to see you.” He may say something similar. Without asking the teacher about the details of the day and without distractions of other parents or your phone, your focus is on your relationship with your child as the two of you walk together to the car or possibly walk all the way home.
On your way home, you wait patiently, offering your child time to open up if he chooses. If he too remains silent, possibly contemplating the day, you can offer a description of your day. “I was working in my office today. I organized some papers and called a client.” Pause. Your child may have a question for you. Or, he may share something about his day. Continue to refrain from questions. You may want to offer another sentence like, “I enjoyed the salad I packed for my lunch.”
Making statements such as this will help your child understand what might be notable from his day. Over time with this modeling approach, your child will start to offer his own tidbits about his day and a pattern of exchange will emerge. Letting him develop his own ideas in his own time will make the conversation that much more meaningful for both of you.
For more great information from Sarah, visit www.SarahMoudry.com.
After reading this article your reasoning and solutions absolutely make zero sense. If any parent talks to their children like you have suggested, do you honestly think they are going to respond? Saying “I enjoyed the salad I packed for lunch” I have raised 3 children and never once did they have issues about answering a simple question of “how was your day?” I started this routine very early on and not only was it something we did on a daily basis, they learned to speak clearly at a very early age By not making those moments difficult they learned to communicate and not feel intimidated.
I enjoyed this article and feel it is a great way to introduce a child to a dialog. As a Montessori educator for 38 years I believe that parental curiosity is best satisfied with a classroom visit. Usually parents are thrilled with the variety of experiences they witness on any given day.
When my family was young I had hoped that the dinner hour would be a time for us to all connect and talk about our day. My children were not very responsive to questions but if I shared a story or a part of my day, it seemed they would eagerly open up. Your suggestions are spot on in my opinion.
I think this was a well written article with excellent advice. In this plugged in world, I believe starting when your child is young and modeling good conversation will have a lifelong impact. My granddaughter is 3 and when she begins school I will remember this. As for now, I will make small advances like this with her and fell very positive about it. Thank you very much!
I disagree with Cynthia. I think this article was very informative and makes a lot of sense. Sometimes we forget that children are independent beings too. As a parent it would definitely take a lot of restraint to refrain from asking lots of questions at pick up. We are just being a parent making sure nothing bad happened etc. But I also understand how annoying it could be for someone to bombard me with lots of questions after a long day at work. I would just want a break or a moment of silence to process my day. I think it depends on the personality too. talkative people may have no problem at all answering. Sometimes when I haven’t had time to reflect and someone asks me a question (usually means they want an answer) I feel flustered and frustrated that I don’t have a clear cut answer to give them yet. I think the point of this article is that it’s not to discourage communication between parent and child but to foster the respectful relationships that are cultivated and encouraged in montessori method– we want to respect the child and to have them independently want to volunteer the information instead of being forced to answer a predetermined question.
I enjoyed this article. We also learned to use this technique with our child, who is older than the child subject in the story. He’s 8 years old, but has generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD. The therapist said that after a day of non stop going and going at school, getting into the car and just letting the mind relax, (not jump on a phone or ipad to play games), but just chill, is actually recommended. Sometimes, it’s nice to sit and relax, and let those conversations happen naturally on the drive home. I say things like, “oh, I would love to live in this neighborhood, look at all the kids”, or other stuff about our surroundings.
Cynthia, I’m with you. I have been an educator for 20 years and have three kids (21, 17 and 15). I have seen first-hand the results of taking barriers/obstacles away from children, particularly through that “No child left behind” initiative. Today the young adults I encounter can’t self-soothe or problem-solve effectively.
Obviously parents should be sensitive to their kids’ feelings – if they’re upset about school, ask them about their day later – but kids should learn that they’re expected to participate in conversation according to their development level and ability. No more “orchid children!”
I’m going to try this! I always ask my young grandsons about their day as soon as we pick them up and have noticed they’re very resistant. I think it’s a great idea to start a conversation about my day and see what happens. If they don’t want to talk that’s fine with me 🙂
I agree with Cynthia totally. I meet my 4 yr old grand daughter from school twice a week and she always replies to my simple questions with some very varied answers. In fact she gets very cross with me if she doesnt think that I am listening to her carefully enough. Difficult to do sometimes as the noise of passing traffic can drown out the sound of her little voice !
As a Montessorian of 30+ years myself, I too have heard parents bombard their child with questions at pick up. The standard answer is usually “I played.” The parents wanted more detail than this. My advice to parents has always been the following:
– greet your child warmly upon pick up. I agree with Sarah on this, your child is so happy to see you!
– tell your child what is happening next. Maybe you are doing errands on the way home, maybe you are going to an appointment (which your child will not have remembered).
– if you are in your car, you may choose to chat about the day but if your child is hungry and tired, they won’t be tuned in to what you are saying.
– if you ask a question, make it open ended: which friends were at preschool today? What was your favourite job today?
– if you know something special happened, ask about that event.
Personally, I had a long drive home with my kids from school. We were all exhausted by that time of the day. I would put the radio on and I maybe talked about what we were having for dinner, or made a brief comment about something positive that happened to me that day. If they wanted to talk, I listened. The discovery I made was that when my son was in the bath after dinner, the whole day’s events would come spilling out. He was relaxed and ready to share by then. My daughter shared her stories differently.
A note for Cynthia: your approach may have been fine for your children, but the article is actually spot on in my personal and professional experience.
This article applies to me as I struggled to get an answer from my daughter about her day at school. Her most common answers were- “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know.” I would get frustrated because I wanted to hear from her what she did and what she learned from her point of view. She would often get upset and frustrated when asked.
When I broke the day down for her and asked more specific questions such as, “What story did you read about?” Or “What type of specials class did you have- language, art, pe, or music?” She would be able to tell me a little bit more. Finally, I could ask about her day and she would be able to tell me without me having to break the day down for her.
Her younger brother (3), is different- I could ask about his day and he wouldn’t stop talking about what he did. I can’t say that it was modeled from his sister because that conversation was taken on the way to picking him up from school.
All children express themselves differently- and I wish that I learned about modeling it earlier for my daughter. She couldn’t tell me that she did’t “understand” my question of “What did you do today?” Because there was just so much that she did that she didn’t know where to begin.
I appreciate Grace’s suggestion to take the time to tell children what is going to happen next.
I can imagine it could be disconcerting if my day was always directed by others and no one told me what was coming up!
I do get reminders though to help me: “Daddy, tell me everything that’s going to happen tomorrow!” 😀
(Hi, Sarah!)
Interesting upto date my 12 year old sometimes says she can’t remember what she learned in school. Being an experienced educator myself I know how to get information if necessary but I am glad she is very positive about her day and if she has to learn for her tests she does it with ease. My daughter is a special kid and I always remind her we can’t all be doctors or lawyers but to do her best in what she likes best so she can polish up her strength.
I think school should be fun and not pressure. Living in Germany I have seen lots of kids who hate school and despite the hard rules “kids must go to school” the kids prefer to be on the streets so I think school should be fun to go and do ones best in the subjects they love.
The separate category of school in Germany is pathetic therefore contribution to lack of motvation to going to school. Montessori system is just the very best and it motivates kids to learn with their tempo. We dont have many in germany as this ideal for my daughter
I agree with Cynthia. We should be celebrating the fact that parents talk to their children. I’ve raised 6 children, and am a private nanny.
With the school age children I nanny, I used the author’s approach, and after a couple of weeks realized that the children wanted me to ask about their day. How was your day?, did anything interesting happen? What was the best part?
I’ve also noticed that when I talk about my day it I pretty much hear hmmm from the kids. If they want to talk they will and if they don’t want to they won’t and we need to respect that
I think this debate is artificial and oversimplified within these comments. I believe that both styles could work- it depends on the temperament of a child. The moment of reunion should be celebrated and lived fully. I think teaching conversation, recall, and sharing are important. But they should respect the child wishes to share. If it’s forced, the child will not be genuine and this could lead to resentment of being asked questions and expect to give responses. Modeling is an excellent way to teach conversation and respect the needs of a young developing and autonomous minds. Alternatively, for a talkative and extroverted child, simply asking and being present is all they need to develop this skill, and they will enjoy the practice of sharing intuitively.
I communicate with my child’s teacher through whatsapp to ask about what they did or learn at school, then indirectly talk about the topic with my child. She responded pretty well and excitedly share the things she did or learn at school. For example, last week they were learning about butterfly, so our conversation was like:
Mom: hey i saw a butterfly at my office today and apparently it has beautiful wings!
Child: oh ya, butterflies have beautiful wings, did u know that previously they were caterpillar?
Mom: oh i didn’t know that. What else did u know about butterfly? Would u like to tell me more about it?
Child : starts telling thing she learnt from school, the activities and so on.
Thanks for this. I have noticed with my 3 year old who speaks very well for her age she will always tell me the same information when I ask how her day is. She updates it for that day accurately, but always tells me what they ate for morning tea and who she played with. Rather that anything else note worthy about the day.
I’m a mother of 3 year old twins. I truly enjoyed the article and look forward to using
some of the tips!
Thank you!
I think this article is very informative and we can learn something from it.Sarah’s suggestion may work for some children at the same time it may not be as effective for other children. We all know very well each child is different and they come from different home and school environment.I have seen children who can’t wait to tell their mothers during the pick-up time what they have been doing in school. At the same time there are some children who just stay quiet when their mothers ask them this question. There are so many reasons for them to behave this way so I feel it is a good article Sarah and Celeste Finn you have some very good information too. Thanks ladies!
Your suite is so informative. Please may I order your book and how do I pay for it? I would also like to receive info from your site. Thanks for your great reads.
My children are grown and now I have grandchildren in the nursery school age group and I teach in a pre-school. I find with younger children, they do live very much in the moment and can’t really recall what happened during their school day. My daughter used to tell me about her day at bedtime (at age 4-6), my boys almost never, unless there was something very exciting and positive. Older children will respond to the question “How was your day?” with more information.
To give the other side of the position of Cynthia and some others, my mom asked me every day after school “how was school?” “what’d you learn?” and the like questions. I quickly learned to give short answers such as “fine,” “yes/no,” “nothing,” “math,” etc. I would try to deflect any further attempts at gaining details. I’m only marginally more open now when she asks me about work/life when I see her. Perhaps your way works with some children, but in my personal experience and short experience as a teacher, I’ve seen this more often than not turn out negatively.
I totally agree with this article. I find myself asking my son a thousand questions about his day at school and getting very minimal answers. I am going to try this approach. Sometimes I find that if I don’t ask anything, he volunteers info at random times. Definitely going to try this approach.
Very nice n informative article. Children are individual personalities.nice reading
Most of the child are different in nature ,you can not have one standard way, how about tips for engaging older child in to conversation over their daily routines and assessing if they are not making it up
Ha! Thanks for this. I never liked the “So, how was your day” or “Tell me about your day” conversation starter. My wife did this and I told her how I disliked it. Now it’s a standing joke.
Dealing with young children, it’s so much better, as you point out, to let them describe to you the high lights of their day as they remember them on their terms.
Anyway, it’s always best for us all to live in the moment!
Cynthia must be very lucky to have never had any of the issues that others of us have deal with. Good for you Cynthia! But instead of coming in here and sh*tting on it, why not just move on? This article wasn’t for you, and that’s fine. Go read something else. Some of us have real problems like kids with Autism and/or Sensory Processing Disorder and this topic is very relevant.
I found this article very helpful. It’s unfortunate that this seems to be the American way now. Don’t like something or it doesn’t apply to you? Sh*t on it, criticize it.
I found this article helpful, too, and I’m raising three talkative kids. I like the modeling idea of telling children what happened in our day as well because it not only gives them ideas of how to answer questions, it helps them realize they’re not the only person in the room all the time. I don’t think the author is trying to lay down a one-size-fits-all approach. If your kids don’t have a problem with “how was your day?” fine. Lots of kids do. Tweak things and use what works for you and yours.
As a child I used to dread being collected from school by my mother because I knew she would instantly bombard me with questions and become irritated if I didnt answer. I would practise my news before she arrived so that I could get it over quickly. My dad would greet me with a hug and a joke, play music in the car, chat a little about his day and give me the space I needed.I told him so much more about my day because he waited until I was ready, it was natural, not forced, and I felt that he really cared and wasnt just expecting me to go through the ritual. I agree that its good to teach children to interact socially and talk about their day, but the point being made here is to model how to do that, not force it.
Mayb i shoukd start communcating with my kid in that way.
I like a mix of both approaches. I have to admit that I’m from the “how was your day,what did you do” camp. This I do purely because I care and am genuinely interested and always believed it helped all that grey matter. To recall events,converse about ones day etc. I will continue to do this however I will also incorporate some of the wonderful wisdom from this article. How lovely to just be excited to be in one anothers company again and learn to be in the moment. There is nothing worse then as a child feeling pressure to come out with the answer thatll make adults happy. Thanks for a thought provoking article that will hopefully lead to me always striving to be a mindful mumma full of love x
Please don’t say Cynthia was sh*tting on this article. The point of comments is to express one’s opinion and she was simply sharing her opinion. I personally agree with her opinion. Modeling conversation begins with a conversation, not a one-way trip through your day. I think a more important point to share is to accept what the child says about his/her day. When asked about her day, my daughter would frequently tell me she went outside and played. Then she would tell me about which friends were missing at school today. I didn’t care that she gave me the same answer every day! To her, that was the important part of her day!
She’s in first grade now and still makes a point to tell me about who was in school, who earned rewards, etc before she tells me exciting things she learned or did. And that’s fine with me. 🙂
Wow interesting read. I have two boys that I used to do this with. Very often they would be irritated or offer one word responses. Thank you very much as I’m going to practice this going forward. I also have a little girl who is almost two. I feel this article has prepared me for better interactions with my kids. Thank you so much.
I think it’s completely rude to negate someone’s opinion just because it does not apply to your personal life. I think people forget that not everyone receives and processes information the same. Personally, I thought it was a great article and a very helpful perspective. I have three children. My oldest is an 8 year old boy and is not as open with communication as his 6 year-old sister is. I find that my two girls – the youngest being 2 – communicates their ideas and feelings more regularly. Where as my son has a hard time articulating what he wants to say. I love the idea of talking about the specifics of my day with the hopes that it would trigger events that he experienced in the day. I will try this method with him today after school. I tell my children often that there are multiple ways to get the same solution. You just need to find what works for the situation. Thanks a lot!
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AT AGE 5 THE CHILD IS JUST NEWLY EXPOSED TO EVENTS THAN SITUATIONS .. LIKE A TEACHER STANDING IN FRONT OF THEM AND TELLING THE RHYMING THINGS .. AND MAKING THEM REPEAT .. AND ALPHABETS AND NUMBERS .. SO THESE EVENTS AT THE END OF THE DAY BECOME FILTERED TO 3 – 5 MEMORIES IN THE CHILDS VISAGE .. AS HE CANNOT REMEMBER ALL THAT HAPPENED IN THE SCHOOL THAT DAY .. AND WHEN HE COMES OUT OF SCHOOL AT THE END OF THE DAY AND HE SEES US HIS PARENTS , HE FEELS SO AT HOME THAT HE FEELS LIKE HE S RETURNING FROME A HUGE CONQUEST LIKE ALEXANDER .. AND IS ACTUALLY EAGER TO TELL US ALL THAT HE MET AT THE SCHOOL IN THE DAY ..
SO ITS GOOD TO ASK HIM / HER ABOUT ALL THAT HAPPENED IN SCHOOL BUT AFTER A WHILE WHEN HE HAS SETTLED IN OUR LAP AND WELL RELAXED SO THAT HE CAN RECALL AND ENUMERATE HIS LOVELY EXPERIENCES .. THE TIME YOU GIVE HIM TO RELAX AND REGAIN HIMSELF IS THE ACTUAL THING WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT … THE REST HE HAS TO GET AND HIS HUNGRY LIL TUMMY WHICH SHOULD BE FED .. A LIL PASTA .. AND SOME MILK .. SO HE GAIND HIS ENERGIES AND IS READY TO PLAY AND FROLIC AROUND AGAIN ..
AND WE SHOULD LET HIM COME OUT WITH THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED AT THE SCHOOL THAN GRILLING HIM WITH A QUESTION AND ANSWER SESSION ..
ITS PLAY TIME IN THEIR LIFE SO LET THEM PLAY .. THEY WILL ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE WHEN THEY ARE OF AGE .. THE NORMAL DEVELOPMENT AND RIGHT DEVELOPMENT IS WHAT IS ESSENTIAL FOR THE FUTURE WIZARDS .. NOT STERN OR SUPER-SMART PARENTHOOD