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Journey of a Montessori Parent

Journey of a Montessori Parent

Sveta Pais by Sveta Pais | Montessori Blog4 Apr, 2016

The very first article I read that sold me on Montessori did not have the word “Montessori” anywhere in it. Seven years ago, when our first child was at the cusp of transitioning from baby to toddler, my husband and I walked into a Prospective Parent class at a local Montessori school. Until that evening we had understood Montessori to be an alternative method of education worth investigating. We walked out with several handouts, one of which was written by the founder of the school, Donna Bryant Goertz, and titled “Owner’s Manual for a Child.” It is written from the point of view of a child in the first plane of development and begins with these words, “Dear Parent, I want to be like you. I want to be just like you, but I want to become like you in my own way, in my own time, and by my own efforts. I want to watch you and imitate you”. I still possess my copy from that evening: creased, tear-stained, and printed on green paper.

©MariaMontessori.com
©MariaMontessori.com

At the time of my initial reading of “Owner’s Manual for a Child,” I had just (barely) survived my first year of motherhood. After having overcome the challenges of a baby turning up a month before the due date engraved in our minds, nursing difficulties and postpartum depression, our family of three had slowly and painstakingly started to find its rhythm. Yet, there was a deep chasm. It was a void of not knowing exactly what we were supposed to “do” with our child. Nothing I saw or heard in the way parents around me were raising their children seemed to resonate. Their enthusiastic “Good job!” sounded hollow; their homes overstimulated me even at 30 years of age; their children meandered from toy to battery-operated toy without any sense of purpose or satisfaction.

As I read “Owner’s Manual for a Child,” I felt every muscle in my body slowly start to relax; I could hear the words in the voice of my own child; I could sense the clutter of all the parenting jargon I’d encountered melt away. Through the green sheets of paper was a child so simply informing her parents of what she needed for her own self-development. The void was now filled with a vision.

A few months ago I asked a fellow Montessori parent and photographer to take pictures of our home to accompany an interview for a Montessori blog. As Emmet photographed, he commented, “I can’t believe you were ever anything other than a Montessori mom.” The words struck me with great poignancy. What if we had not found Montessori? Would we have eventually found our way as a family, or would we have carried on with a sense of being adrift in a world rife with parenting how to’s? Certainly there were many families who had started off their Montessori journey at the same time as we did, but sooner or later acclimatized to a more mainstream family culture. Conversely, as we reap its benefits, our commitment to Montessori keeps growing.

As I pondered the reasons our family has thrived at being quintessentially “Montessori,” I realized I could sum them up with six main tenets.

  • My husband and I have been aligned in our desire to understand and adapt to a Montessori way of being. Our date nights have been attending a parent education class at school followed by dinner, where we discuss what we have just learned. In seven years I can honestly say we’ve been to the movies twice. Life is (hopefully) long but the child-rearing phase of life goes by in a flash. There will be a catching-up-on-fine-films phase, some day. “We are both so fortunate that within me I have a secret plan for my own way of being like you.”
  • We attended classes and practice using non-violent communication with each other and with our children. The models we use are Faber and Mazlish’s “How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk”, and Sandy Blackard’s “Say What You See”. Using this style of communication has been the biggest challenge in our parenting journey because it is so antithetical to our culture of origin. “Slow down when you speak. Let your words be few and wise.”
  • We discovered a style of parenting described as “authoritative.” I like to explain it as having firm boundaries, but with huge amounts of warmth. “Just get down to my level within a foot of my face, get my attention, and look into my eyes before you speak. Then let your words be few, firm, and respectful.”
  • We slowed life down. Way down. We have made the necessary adjustments to live on one income while our children are young. Young children move very slowly and we match their pace whether we are building legos, helping them get dressed, or involving them in getting dinner on the table. “I don’t want you to do it for me or rush me or feel sorry for me or praise me. Just be quiet and show me how to do it slowly, very slowly.”
  • We observe our children, and then adapt our home to match their needs. Our home is prepared in such a way that both our toddler and our eight-year-old can independently be fully contributing members of our family. Inside the house all the materials available to them are intentional and purposeful. The same holds true for the outdoors, to which our children have easy access. “Please take the pressure off both of us by creating my home environment so I can do my work of creating a human being and you can stick to your work of bringing one up.”
  • Our children’s access and exposure to screens is close to zero. “Owner’s Manual for a Child” was written before the advent of smartphones and tablet computers, but the same principles the author addresses hold true today. From our own experience of trying different things to see what works, we’ve found that screens take away from the richness of the real-life experiences we desire for our children. As I go about my daily life I see children in strollers on a beautiful day mesmerized by a phone but oblivious to the birds; at a concert staring at an iPad, eyes glossing over the instruments; enthralled by digital entertainment while foregoing the learning that will come from observing an older sibling’s gymnastics class. Such sightings, as well as other research, strengthens our resolve to protect our children from the desensitizing effects of technology. “TV makes me distracted, irritable, and uncooperative. The more I watch, the more I want to watch, so it creates issues between us. If you can’t say no to a daily TV viewing habit for me now, where is my example for developing the strength to say no to other bad habits later. Besides, the more I watch TV, the less I want to be like you.”

One may argue that these are just examples of a family culture that works for some, and has nothing to do with Montessori. But if you visit my children’s Montessori school you will see elements of every one of my six points in action. Consider, as an example, the greeting the children are received with at school. Each morning, every child is met with eye-contact, a firm handshake, and an authentic “Good morning.” Sometimes it takes a pause, and the adult gently saying, “May I see your eyes?” before the connection is made. It is in these interactions that I see all of our parenting at home being melded into school and creating a true partnership. How enriching and comforting for a child to experience consistency between school and home. How much more peace for the parent who glances at her child in the rear view mirror, walking into the environment where she spends most of her waking hours.

It would be remiss of me to leave the impression that our family life is smooth sailing a hundred percent of the time, because that is simply not true. On the days things are going awry I am tempted more than anyone to take the easy way out, and occasionally, I do. In many of those moments I recall the voices of my teachers, the ones who have worked tirelessly for decades so my children can have this Montessori life. I can hear Donna Bryant Goertz say, “There is pleasure, as well as pain, in the arduous path of worthy parenting.” I re-read “Owner’s Manual for a Child,” and these words are my greatest inspiration to pursue the arduous path: “I know my needs are great and many. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but you are all I’ve really got. I love you and I know you love me beyond reason or measure. If I can’t count on you, who can I count on?”

When it is all said and done, if we can’t give our own children our very best effort, who will?

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: child, children, communication, montessori, parenting, school

Sveta Pais

About Sveta Pais

Sveta Pais is a graduate of the London School of Economics and Political Science. She currently serves in the position of Parent Partnership Coordinator at Austin Montessori School. As part of the school's communications and Parent Education teams, Sveta works towards further articulating and actualizing the partnership between Austin Montessori School and its families. Sveta and her husband have two daughters and are about to embark on a new journey as parents of a child in Upper Elementary.

Reader Interactions

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  1. AvatarNorma says

    April 4, 2016 at 10:35 am

    Love your post. Thank you

    Reply
  2. AvatarJohn Snyder says

    April 4, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    Sveta, what a moving, articulate, informative, helpful article this is! It’s, well, authoritative. Families such as yours, families who are “all in”, families who work hand-in-hand with the school to make themselves better parents and us better guides, communicators, and administrators are the true strength of their Montessori school. Without the partnership of school and family, the full extent of what is possible Montessori cannot be realized. Kudos to MariaMontessori.com for sharing your story with the world.

    Reply
  3. Avatarjesse says

    April 4, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    This is beautifully written and captures the feelings of many Montessori parents I know.

    Reply
  4. AvatarSandy Blackard says

    April 4, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Sveta, you wove those quotes from Donna’s “Owner’s Manual” throughout in a way that directly conveys the warmth your children must feel on a daily basis. Such beautiful reminders of the truth of being a child. I can only imagine what it must be like for them to grow up in a world designed just for them. That is what you and the school are creating and just one of the many gifts of Montessori you are giving your children. I am delighted and honored to have been able to contribute to your family and, through you, the many families with whom you share your inspiring examples.

    Reply
  5. AvatarAmreen Rajabali says

    April 5, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    Beautifully written Sveta!

    Reply
  6. AvatarFred Haas says

    April 5, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    Awesome Sveta! This blog is articulated extremely well. Thank you for describing our experience as Montessori parents so accurately from you heart.

    Reply
  7. AvatarAnne Booth says

    April 5, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    Wow, well said, Sveta. I’m in tears. Your article is very moving, and so TRUE. You represent those of us who believe in the Montessori way so well. I’m honored to have known you and your husband this past year. It seems to me the future is in good hands.

    Reply
  8. AvatarAnn Guidry says

    April 5, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    I’ve read this a few times now, and I’m equally moved and inspired every time. The way you describe the Montessori experience is both clear and soulful, and I completely agree in every way. Being a Montessori parent requires devotion, but the obvious rewards make the commitment immeasurably worthwhile. Thank you for this.

    Reply
  9. Avatarmelissa says

    April 6, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    What an amazing piece! This captures so much of what we strive to do with our boys. Thank you, Sveta. You have a gift.

    Reply
  10. Avatararasi says

    April 7, 2016 at 6:53 am

    Thank you Sveta! We are just starting on this journey with my toddlers – you are an inspiration!

    Reply
  11. AvatarDebbie Groves says

    April 7, 2016 at 7:08 am

    Sveta, your very deft and sensitive blend of shared emotions and factual description
    was quite eloquent! We are lucky to have such an inspirational parent and writer in
    our midst!

    Reply
  12. AvatarGail Pruitt Hall says

    April 7, 2016 at 8:03 am

    I so enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

    The house reverberates with it, even when there are no children here and school is out for Spring Break.

    Montessori. Humane, real and consistent. Indeed, where would we be?

    Reply
  13. AvatarBrenda says

    April 7, 2016 at 12:20 pm

    Love your insight to observe your child with a mind towards adopting the home environment to meet their needs. So simple and obvious once you state it!

    Reply
  14. AvatarJulia says

    April 19, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Will you share your “Owner’s Manual”?

    Reply
    • Sveta PaisSveta Pais says

      April 19, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Julia,

      Here is the link to the article “Owner’s Manual for a Child” by Donna Bryant Goertz: http://www.mariamontessori.com/mm/?p=1674

      Sveta

      Reply
  15. AvatarZainab Chandurwala says

    April 20, 2016 at 6:32 am

    Very well written Sveta.Its connects me in detail with the montessori environment and its teachings

    Reply
  16. AvatarTais says

    April 20, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Loved it! 🙂
    I work with my students in Montessori and see how the process isn’t easy.
    Maybe next year I’ll start my own family and I hope that I can continue working like this with my own kids!

    Reply
  17. Avatarmelanie says

    May 4, 2016 at 8:43 am

    Thank you so much for such an enlightening article 🙂 I have learned so much especially the mistakes I have been doing with my child.

    Reply
  18. AvatarMarci says

    September 20, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Wonderful!

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Spotlight It's a Practical Life - Baan Dek says:
    April 22, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    […] ask because a couple months ago I started to think about this and wrote about it in an article, Journey of a Montessori Parent. There were many aesthetic things that initially appealed to me about the physical Montessori […]

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