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conflict

17 Jul

Behind the Laundry Hamper

Donna Bryant Goertz by Donna Bryant Goertz | Montessori Blog
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© MariaMontessori.com

He was a sweet child with an angelic face, this new six year-old from another Montessori school. And he was so eager to please. How was I to know that he—during the very first week of school–would treat the parents at departure to the most spectacular display of temper I’d ever seen, complete with language I’d never in my life heard used against me, by anyone, much less a sweet child! And this reaction seemed to be triggered simply by my having indicated cheerfully that we sit on the bench until our car pulls up. I was shaken and determined to see that this never happened again in front of an audience of parents. A couple of older children smirked and a couple of younger ones cringed. “Uh oh, I thought, “I can’t let him get cast in a role. Now the parents have seen him and the children have reacted strongly. Not such a good start for a new child.” So, the next day, before going out to departure, I reminded the entire group that we stay on the bench for the ten-minute departure period. My experienced intuition told me that Sammy was eager and capable of cooperating. He just didn’t like being caught off guard, caught making a mistake. My gut told me that he was somewhat of a perfectionist.

Then, a couple of days later, when one of us had to deliver a message of information to Sammy, we were treated to the same display. I knew I had to act decisively to establish our way of thinking about Sammy and his needs. “Children, turn away. Avert your eyes. Let Sammy have his privacy. We will protect his dignity. Come gather over here for a story,” I said with a heart full of compassion and confidence. “Take no notice; let’s spare Sammy embarrassment. Let him have time to recover himself. Soon he’ll learn to handle frustration and anger without such a display.”

The children were shocked. They had never heard anyone say these words, much less scream them, and certainly not at their Guide. They were ready to go in any number of directions—demonize Sammy to their parents, titter about him and call him The Howler, or just plain coldly avoid and exclude him. I had to steer them to adopt the most compassionate approach, one of supporting his best development over time.

“This is very hard on all of us. We don’t like hearing the loud screaming or the vulgar and offensive words, but we can bear up under it. It’s the hardest of all on Sammy. We’ll do the best we can to help him find better ways of expressing his anger, but it may take a long time.”

A little later after Sammy had recovered and spent time engaged in work, when he was free and in a good mood, I struck up a conversation with him as we checked to see which books needed to be returned to the library. I led into the subject delicately. “You didn’t like being asked to let Rubin have his place back. When you sat down in that chair, you didn’t even know Rubin had been sitting there before. That could be unsettling, or it could even be very embarrassing. But I’m not worried. I know we’ll figure this out together.” I let it go at that the first time.

The next time Sammy had an episode, the community and I responded in like manner, and in like manner, I found a way to spend time with Sammy later. “That was very upsetting to you. Getting that angry was very hard on you. Ya feeling okay now? Can you tell me about it so we can work together to make it go better next time?” Sammy told me he was okay and that he felt fine now. “Sammy, I know you and I will figure this out so that, in time, you can let me know how upset and angry you are in a strong but calm voice, with strong but respectful words. And I will never scream at you or call you names. “

Over time, I introduced other thoughts to Sammy. “The children will always turn away and give you privacy.”

“I know how embarrassing it is to say those words about people, especially about me when we like each other so much. “

“The children care about how you feel. They feel sad and upset when they see how hard this is on you.”

“Soon you’ll be able to walk away and find a private place to be upset. Someday you’ll be able to use a quieter voice so others don’t have to hear those words.”

One day when the episodes of temper display and emotional outbursts were diminishing in frequency and intensity, I could hear a harsh whispering almost like a stage-whisper version of yelling and screaming. I was walking across the room puzzled, when a child approached me saying, “Donna, don’t go over there by the laundry hamper. Sammy is hiding back there and yelling in a whispering voice all those bad words.”

“Yes,” said another child, “see Donna, he’s nice enough now that he doesn’t want anybody to hear those words.”

“Well, he still has to say them, but he doesn’t have to scream them out loud any more. Now he knows how to whisper-yell them,” added a third child.

“And he goes to the side of the room and hides behind the laundry hamper so the rest of us won’t be bothered,” the first child.

The next day, during a pleasant interlude, I acknowledged Sammy. “That was very considerate of you, Sammy, to go behind the laundry basket. Just imagine, you figured out how to be very, very upset and angry without bothering the other children. Pretty soon, you’ll be able to be that upset and that angry without saying those words, especially about me. “

“Already, yesterday, I didn’t say any of those words about you, Donna,” Sammy said. “I just said them about nobody.”

The second semester, Sammy already developed out of his emotional discharges and his temper displays. We were still careful with our approach to him, but all our efforts had paid off. The following year, we forgot all about it, so much so that I said a couple of words to Sammy at departure without thinking. I saw the look on his face and remembered. We looked at each other for a long moment, and then it passed. He put the gravel down and looked away from me. I sat beside him and put my arm around his shoulder. “Nobody likes being told what to do, huh, Sammy?” I asked. “I don’t mind,” he said in an emphatic, staccato and tense voice. Then a couple of minutes later, “Look, I’m still holding one piece. It’s a crystal. See?” He looked at me and smiled. He was holding on to his dignity in his own way, and allowing himself an appropriate enough token rebellion against being in the wrong—a tiny crystal in place of a huge temper tantrum—what an exquisite exchange.

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: behavior, boys, conflict, elementary, tantrum

23 Jul

Conflict: Break It Up And Break It Down

Pilar Bewley by Pilar Bewley | Montessori Blog
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In a previous post, we explored how natural consequences can help children learn to control their own behaviors.  A question arose in the comments: “How should adults (parents and teacher alike) handle a child who is disruptive and aggressive to others?”

The short answer is: There’s no one right answer (but some wrong ones!).  Because every scenario, every child, and every adult is different, the right approach has to include a tailored mixture of common sense, compassion, firmness, and consistency.  Additionally, you should consider the age of the children you’re helping, since toddlers and pre-schoolers use different levels of communication and reasoning.  With that said, here’s an approach I’ve used successfully in the past, but again, the ideal “technique” will depend on the characteristics of the situation at hand…

First of all, if a child is putting a peer in danger (i.e. biting or scratching), it is best to separate the aggressor from the situation as unemotionally as possible and take him to an area where he can calm down safely.  Theresa, an experienced Montessori guide, placed a pillow under a table and used it as a calming spot for one student.  In some cases, an over-stimulated child might need to leave the scene entirely for a little while.

Reacting to a child’s behavior out of anger and panic is NEVER an effective solution. You might feel angry and frustrated with the aggressor (I know I have!), yet the situation is not about you.  His behavior is not a reflection of your ability as a parent or teacher! He is simply asking for guidance in dealing with an unfamiliar experience and strange feelings… It’s a beautiful learning moment, so take advantage of it!  You should use a firm voice to let the child know his behavior is unacceptable, but don’t fight violence with violence!

After separating the children, give the aggressive child time to sort through his emotions while you (or another adult) make sure the other child is not seriously hurt; let them both cry if necessary, and invite them to breathe deeply (you might want to take a few deep breaths yourself!).

When the aggressor has calmed down enough to talk, ask him the following questions:

1)  What are you feeling? (The language of emotions is key to developing emotional intelligence)

2)  What happened? (Get his side of the story but don’t jump to conclusions)

3)  Are you ready to tell your friend how you’re feeling and find out how he’s feeling? (If he’s not ready yet, respect this and let him know that you’ll give him a few more minutes to collect himself before going to talk to his friend.  Then follow through!  If he is still unwilling to talk, invite him to sit in a chair and let him know that when he’s ready to talk he can get up and join you.)

Truly listen to his answers without judging him or dismissing his claims.  What sounds trivial to you could be of monumental importance to a four-year-old and will define how he deals with problems as an adult!

When both children are ready, invite them to sit down (this provides a non-confrontational setting), sit with them at their level, give each a turn to air his grievances, and listen to both sides of the story carefully without taking sides (even if one child got hurt).  You’ll be surprised how many times I’ve found that the child who got hurt was the one who started the altercation!

Once you have the facts, find out how each child felt during the altercation. Make sure they understand each other’s feelings by re-stating their emotions: “John, Peter says he felt angry when you took the tricycle away from him.”

You should also make sure that the aggressor understands physical violence is never a good choice, by asking, “How do you think Peter felt when you punched him in the stomach?”  Don’t be afraid to put him in the victim’s shoes by following up his answer with, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”  If you get a muttered “I dunno” as a response, you could add, “I think you would feel hurt and angry, just like Peter did, because nobody likes being hit and nobody deserves to get hit.”  As always, keep your voice firm but calm, because unnecessary drama on your part will cloud the lesson.

Then, ask both of them what they could have done differently to prevent the situation from happening.  Sometimes they draw a blank here, and this is normal.  After all, if they knew what the right choice was, they probably wouldn’t have gotten into a fight to begin with!  Prompt them by asking what the rule is about the limit that was broken.  “Peter, what’s the rule about taking turns with the tricycles on the playground?”

Once they state the rule, if they are still unsure of what they should have done differently, you can provide a couple of positive and reasonable suggestions that adhere to the rules of the environment (i.e. playground, home) and are easy for the children to remember in the future.

Never make two children to apologize to each other before they are ready. A forced “I’m sorry” teaches the aggressor that he can get away with anything as long as he’s willing to say a few empty words, while it devalues the needs and emotions of the victim.  Instead of demanding an apology, you could ask both children if they feel better after talking things through.  Since it’s quite likely that they will be ready to make amends using their own words (instead of your prompt), you can point out how wonderful it is to talk about our problems and understand how the other person is feeling.

You might be shaking your head and thinking, “How in the world will I find the time and patience to go through this?”  Have faith!  It really only takes about five minutes to go through this mediation process, since children are very transparent and their issues are normally easy to solve (thank goodness!).  Sometimes, before you finish mediating they’ll be running off to play holding hands!

I have seen this approach work even for children who are what you might call “repeat offenders”.  With consistency and love, even the most impulsive children can develop a more peaceful method of dealing with problems.  Children use the tools we give them, so behave with them in the exact same way you would want them to behave with each other.  You will be amazed at the long-term results!

Above all, don’t be afraid of conflict, because within it lies an amazing opportunity for growth and learning, not just for the children but for you and your entire family.

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: advice, conflict, parenting, teachers

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