independence

23 Oct

Building a Foundation of Trust

“What do you think?”
“I’m sure you will do the right thing.”
“Do you have any ideas?”
“How might that work?”

Building statements like the above into our repertoire is one small way that parents and teachers build partnership with children. Whether it’s rearranging the garage, working through an argument with a sibling, or figuring out when the best time of day to practice piano, the habit of soliciting children’s thoughts and ideas communicates our respect for their perspective and our trust that they are able to find creative solutions.

It can require patience, suspension of judgment, and a spirit of exploration. Often we have to stop ourselves from jumping in and offering solutions or direction. However, the doors that open can be remarkable and rewarding. Last weekend at a potluck, my daughter asked if she could have a cookie. My response was, “I think you know what my concerns might be and I trust you make a good decision.” To which she replied, “I should make sure to eat some real food first and then not have too many sweets, right?” Of course, this is a point of arrival after many family conversations about nutrition but now we can both move on; me from monitoring her choices at such gatherings and she from feeling the need to run these small decisions by me. Our trust in one another means we both have a little more freedom to enjoy the event. Had I just launched into a directive or negotiation, we would have lost this moment.

When two students argued about use of a certain material, one of my standard responses was to set it aside and send them off to create a plan with which they could both agree. During our Upper Elementary parent orientations, one piece of advice for parents of 9-12 year old children is when they bring a complaint or concern home, the parents best first question is “What did Greg/Stephanie say when you discussed it with them?” While we don’t leave the children adrift, the message comes through clearly: You have good ideas. You have the power to solve your problems. We trust you.

Trust, in this context, is the fundamental belief that we all desire to bring our best selves to each moment. This is not the same as the expectations of perfection which often lead to feelings of disappointment, mistrust and that great demoralizer, comparison. When trust is present, we see the great good in one another and all that is possible rather than looking for what is missing. The child’s idea of how to clean up spilled water may not be our idea of efficient, but they, invested in creating the solution, will likely give their best self to the effort and will likely be willing to offer help again. I’ve often seen children’s ideas about how to resolve social issues work better than the adult suggestions!

Trust allows the children to rise to their own potential and develop skills of self-management. Equipped with lessons and guidance, their confidence builds as they begin to believe in their own powers of judgment and autonomy. Creating space for collaboration and independence: this is the joyful challenge of parents and educators with the benefit that the result is that our work together is eased when all parties feel autonomous and respected, cutting out the need for willful opposition. There are plenty of educational programs and parenting approaches that script every part of the day, from morning circle to craft time to sing-along to reading hour. In this case, standardizing the experience solves many variables. Micromanagement offers an illusion of control and peacefulness, but ultimately undermines the opportunities for spontaneous, creative problem solving. Supporting independence and self-management is a messier proposition requiring friendliness with error and, sometimes more challenging, friendliness with one another’s error but leading us toward peaceful collaboration and interdependence in the work of living and learning together.

02 Sep

Montessori is Developmental

by Peter Davidson | Montessori Blog

9 Comments

“Your children go to Montessori school? I heard that’s fine for preschoolers, but when they are older, won’t they need something different?”

I would guess that many of you have been asked questions similar to this on more than one occasion. It is an indication of the positive reputation Montessori enjoys as a preschool program, but also the relative lack of understanding of its relevance for older ages. It also asserts that older children need a different environment from the little ones. And indeed they do, which is why the Montessori elementary environment is designed so differently from that for the younger ages. What most of these people mean by “something different,” however, is the teacher-centered, one-size-fits-all conventional model of education in which they themselves grew up.

Conventional education is an outgrowth of the industrial revolution, and some psychologists and educators even refer to it as a “factory model.” At its core it is an artificial construct based upon efficiency, like the assembly line. Everyone doing the same thing at the same time on an adult-devised schedule would seem efficient, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately, children are not widgets to be assembled, and that system fails to take into account the changing needs and characteristics of children’s developmental stages, much less the needs of individuals. Therefore it not only leaves some children behind, but it doesn’t do a good job of matching up with the developmental needs and characteristics of any. For generations, students have struggled conform to it, like so many round pegs forced into square holes.

Dr. Montessori, on the other hand, flipped this model on its head. She didn’t begin with an efficiency model or any other model or mental construct for that matter. Instead she began by observing how children develop and asking herself the question, “What kind of learning environment would respond best to the changing needs and characteristics at each stage?” Instead of making children conform to an environment, she made the environment conform to the child!

Like many scientists since, she observed common developmental characteristics within roughly six-year increments, which she referred to as the planes of development including early childhood (birth to six), elementary (6-12) and adolescence (12-18). For each plane of development, then, there should be a unique learning environment, reflecting the requirements of that plane.

For example, she noticed that children at the age of 2 or 3 or 4 are very independent and individualistic and learn best through the use of their own hands on their own activity. “Individual activity is the one factor that stimulates and produces development and independence,” she said, referring to this age. Therefore, each child in a Montessori toddler or primary (3 to 6-year-old) environment has the opportunity to identify a workspace on a rug or table, free from interference or interruption. Contrast this to the conventional preschool, where children are constantly asked to share, which goes against children’s very nature at this age, and gives rise to struggles for possession so common in those environments.

That nature changes during the next plane of development as the elementary child becomes intensely social. Oddly enough, this is when children in conventional schools are confined to desks and told to neither talk nor share! Any observer in a Montessori school will notice the difference: in primary, children are largely engaged in independent or parallel activities, whereas rarely is an elementary child working alone. In primary, lessons are given one-on-one for the most part, whereas in elementary the lessons are nearly always given to a group. And in elementary it is groups of children you see working as teams on projects, conducting research, or using materials. Once again it is clearly the case that in traditional elementary schools children forced to conform to environments that are counter to their nature, while in Montessori it is the environment that conforms to them.

I could give many, many more examples, but there simply isn’t room here for a full explication of the characteristics of each plane of development and the way the Montessori environments change in response to them while other forms of education do not. Fortunately, you can visit a Montessori school close to you and experience the changing environments first hand. The more you learn about Montessori and child development, the better you’ll be able answer that question: “when they are older, won’t they need something different?” “You’re right,” you can say, “they need something different, because they are different. But, the different thing they need is still Montessori!”

03 Nov

The Best Gifts For the First Year

by Junnifa Uzodike | Montessori Blog

15 Comments

Like many parents, as my son’s first birthday drew close, I spent a lot of time thinking of and researching the best gifts for the first birthday. My wish list included wooden stacking blocks, a tricycle, and musical instruments. Then one day, while observing my almost one year old, I realized that the best gifts for the first year cannot be bought; they are not material, but psychological.

The best gifts for the first year are the Basic Trusts. I learned about the Basic Trusts in my AMI Assistants to infancy training. They were not called gifts or described as such, but as I have gone through the first year of parenting, I realize that they are gifts that we give our child from their day of birth – perhaps even from conception. These gifts are made even more special because they can only be given in the first year and only under the right conditions.

The two Basic Trusts are the trust in the environment and the trust in self.

Basic Trust in the Environment: This is the first basic trust. It is usually acquired by the end of the second month of life, which also marks the end of a very important time in the child’s life, the period of adaptation to his new world. During this time, the mother and the child depend on each other to meet both physical and psychological needs. This stage lays the foundation for the child’s personality and his view of the world and life. A child who has basic trust in the environment will approach life with optimism, security and trust in the world as a good place where he can thrive.

Basic Trust in Self: This is the second basic trust. It is usually acquired by the ninth month, which marks the end of extero-gestation or the external pregnancy. The child would have spent as much time outside the womb as he spent inside. The basic trust in self lays the foundation for confidence and a strong self-esteem. The child who has basic trust in self will approach challenges with confidence in his abilities. He will not be discouraged by failures. He will be curious and approach the world with an exploratory attitude.

How can the parent give the child the gifts of these Basic Trusts? I will discuss them individually.

Basic Trust in the Environment

Prenatal Acceptance
The mother’s womb is the child’s first environment. Feeling accepted by the parents makes the environment more comfortable and welcoming. One of the ways the mother can make the child feel accepted in the womb is by being happy. When the mother is happy, her body releases hormones, which the child can feel. The child also feels accepted when both parents talk and sing to him, rub the belly and generally interact with the baby positively.

The Birth Experience
The child’s birth is his entrance into the world and into life. The process can significantly influence the child’s view of life. The birth process can also affect the mother’s ability to bond, breastfeed and provide the care the child needs for a positive adaptation, which then leads to the acquisition of Basic Trust in the Environment. It is important to make the birth experience as positive as possible for both mother and child. There are many ways to increase the probability of a positive birth. They include preparation for birth, surrounding the parents with a strong support system, and being flexible. It is very important to realize that birth is unpredictable and remain flexible, in case things do not go as planned. Being flexible makes it easier to adjust to and accept one’s birth experience regardless of how it goes.

As part of my preparation, I read Birth without Violence by Frederick LeBoyer. I highly recommend this book. The following are some of his suggestions that I chose to use:

Giving birth in a dark or dimly lit room. The child is not coming from bright light and so needs to adjust slowly.
The room should be quiet and all speech should be in hushed tones as the child adjusts. While the child could hear in the womb, the sounds were filtered by water and so when he comes out to loud voices, it is like roaring to his ears.
The child should have immediate contact with the mother’s body, ideally put on her belly as soon as he comes out. Again this helps him adapt and adjust slowly.
His head “which has borne the brunt of the catastrophe” should not be touched but supported.
The umbilical cord should not be cut until it stops beating.
“We must speak the language of love to the newborn.” This language is Touch. He just came from a cocoon. We should hold him and wrap our arms around him.

The First 6-8 Weeks
This is a period of adaption for both mother and child and they both benefit from a positive attachment to each other. Physically, the mother nourishes the child with breast milk by breastfeeding. As a result, her uterus is triggered to shrink to its normal size. Psychologically, holding the child helps the mother get over the feeling of emptiness that might result from no longer carrying the child in her womb. The child remains attached to his mother and the points of reference from the womb, which are his mother’s voice and heartbeat. This attachment helps him to adapt positively to his new environment.

The act of holding the child and breastfeeding are two of the steps in giving the gift of Basic Trust in the Environment. Breastfeeding is such an important part of the attachment required at this time because breastmilk is tailored to each baby’s specific needs, and the act of breastfeeding builds a strong bond and attachment between mother and child. When the child is breastfed on demand and held, his need for food and direct contact with his mother are met. It allows him to rediscover the points of reference (mother’s heartbeat and voice) from his prenatal life, which helps his adaptation. If for any reason the mother is unable to breastfeed, she can still spend a lot of time holding the child and find other ways to build this bond and attachment such as baby wearing or co-sleeping. During this time, the child’s biological rhythms should be respected and he should be allowed to sleep on demand.

The child also needs order, which includes having a place for each object; a place associated with the different processes of daily life (feeding, diapering, movement); and the sequence in which these processes are carried out. He also needs sufficient space and opportunity to explore the environment with his senses.

The parents should be affectionate and communicative when handling and caring for the child. It is important to realize that the child cannot be spoiled during this time. All his cries should be attended to. It is vitally important that the environment responds to the child. This is what helps the child achieve Basic Trust in the Environment, and provides the sense of security that leads to positive separations in future.

While the mother plays the lead role during the symbiotic period, the father or other primary support person also has an essential set of responsibilities. His involvement includes supporting and protecting the mother from unnecessary strains, as well as loving and caring for her so that she is free to breastfeed, hold, and give affection to the child. He can also play a big role in the handling of the child. While he can’t breastfeed, he can change diapers, bathe the baby and take advantage of these times of care to communicate and be affectionate.

When all of this is takes place during those first few weeks, the child receives the gift of Basic Trust in the Environment. Its acquisition can actually be observed. There is usually a change in the child. I have experienced this period of transformation in the child twice.

The first time was during my training. As part of the required observation, I observed five-week old M. He cried a lot during the observations and while it must have been really hard for his mother, she always responded with love, holding him, singing to him, saying his name lovingly. She breastfed him, changed his diapers frequently and just wrapped him in love, never letting any frustration reflect in her response to or care for him. He only had eyes for her.

After 3 weeks of observation, during his 7th or 8th week, they walked into the room and you could immediately sense the difference. Where he would only look at his mother before, he looked around the room and seemed to be taking in all the details and faces for the first time. He was passed around from student to student. We were all excited to finally interact with him. He was quiet, observing each face as he was held. He did not cry that day or any day after. He was showing the signs of having acquired the Basic Trust in the Environment. He seemed to have realized the world was a good place where he was welcome. That his needs would be met and that his mother would be available when he needed her. I believe he had acquired the basic trust in the environment.

The second time I observed the basic trust in the environment was in my son. Unlike M, my son did not cry a lot in his first weeks and was generally happy but even with that I still noted the subtle change when it happened. I remember that morning. I walked into the bathroom and when I walked back into the room after about 8 minutes, he was staring at the bathroom as though he was waiting and knew I would be returning through that door. As soon as he saw me, he smiled. I am almost certain that he thought to himself, “I knew she would be back.” From that time, I could leave him alone for little stretches of time and he would not cry or fuss but instead, engage himself and wait patiently. He trusted his environment and knew he was in a good place.

Basic Trust in Self
The parents can give the child this gift by helping the child develop independence and providing opportunities for movement, exploration and communication. To do this, they require knowledge of the child’s development. It is with this knowledge that they can prepare the environment that will enable the child acquire Basic Trust in Self. It is also important for the parent to observe the child in order to notice changes and then make the changes to the environment. While the role of the parents remains paramount, any informed caregiver of the child can support the parents in giving of the gift of Basic Trust in Self.

In the mother’s womb, which is the child’s first environment, until he becomes too big, the child has freedom to move. Pregnant mothers know that they can cause the child to respond with movement by providing stimuli such as touch, laughter, a sneeze or even music. This can even be a way to communicate and bond with the child.

Unfortunately for a lot of children, after enjoying this freedom to move in the womb, they come into the world and their movement is severely restricted by excessive swaddling, bouncy chairs, walker, jumperroos and other unnecessary baby contraptions. Instead of hindering the child’s movements, a safe environment should be provided to allow the child move independently and explore his body as well as his environment.

The movement mat and floor bed are the Montessori solutions to providing a safe environment for movement and exploration to the infant. The low bed is used instead of a crib. It can be a mattress directly on the floor or in a bed frame, but without legs or railings. Very early in life (for my son it was at three and five months respectively), the child learns how to get out of and into his bed independently.

The movement mat is a soft mattress, blanket or rug placed next to a mirror mounted on the wall and a low shelf containing a few attractive materials. A developmentally appropriate mobile is also hung over the movement mat. In the beginning, the child lays on it and spends time looking around, at the mobile, the items on the shelf and just exploring his entire room visually. He also watches himself in the mirror. He can see everything but he can’t touch. The first mobiles are visual and match the child’s visual development (high contrast, primary colors, shades/depth perception and so on). He watches them as they sway in the air, inadvertently developing his ability to track visually.

Then one day, when he is about two months old and his hands are moving more, albeit reflexively, he hits the mobile. It is unintentional the first few times but then he realizes what is happening. Now the parent, whose role after preparing the environment is to observe the child, notices this and hangs up a mobile that will provide him with tactile and auditory feedback: the bell on the ribbon. Again, the child’s hand will randomly hit the mobile, but this time, it will jingle. The child will think: “Wow! I think I did that. I added music to the environment. I wonder if I can do it again,” and he will try and try again until he succeeds and intentionally bats the mobile. Gradually his reaching will become very intentional and accurate, he might even bring the bell to his mouth to taste it and then another tactile mobile, a ring on a ribbon will be provided. In the same way, he practices until his grasp is accurate. Each time he succeeds, a deposit is made in his Basic Trust in Self. It is important that the parents do not interrupt the child or try to “help” the child by putting the bell or ribbon in his hands. In addition to creating himself and building his basic trust in himself, the child is also building his ability to concentrate. This process should be respected.

He has been spending a lot of time on his mat, sometimes on his tummy and sometimes on his back and then one day around 3 or 4 months, maybe while reaching for a mobile or even reaching to touch his reflection in the mirror, he rolls over! The child thinks: “What just happened? I can move myself,” and then he practices and perfects this ability. He then thinks to himself, “Surely I can reach those beautiful items on the shelf. I am tired of just looking at them. I want to touch them, taste them and move them.” And so he sets his mind on this goal and he reaches and pushes himself and he moves! He’s slithering! Slowly but surely. The shelf is just far enough that it is a challenge to get to it but close enough that it is achievable. He gets to it! “I did it! I can move myself! I can get what I want! I can set a goal an achieve it.” Another deposit is made in his Basic Trust in Self, his confidence, and his ability to persevere.

Once he is able to sit and shows other signs of the sensitive period for weaning (teeth, drooling, watching the parent’s mouths while they eat, reaching for and even grabbing food of the parents’ plates etc.), a small table and chair just the right size for him is set up for him. Utensils just like the ones he sees people around him using but in his size is provided. No longer does he have to be carried all the time and have only his feeder’s face to look at. He can sit across or beside others. He can socialize and look around. Then he is taught how to use the utensils and a small glass, and he learns to bring food and water to his mouth. I can nourish myself! Another deposit.

By the 9th month, he is able to crawl and pull up to a stand. He is no longer limited to his movement mat or to his room. He can explore his home, which has been prepared for him. In every room, he has an area where he can explore safely and participate in family life. He knows he is a member of the family and belongs in the home. He can reach more things and have more experiences. He can fall and stand up. He can climb stairs! He can do so many things. He can use his hands in different ways to pick up items of different shapes and sizes. He is allowed to explore them with his senses. He can also make choices because his parent always ask him to choose what book or what clothes he would like to wear. He is a human being with abilities.

His parents continue to prepare and modify the environment to meet the child’s developmental needs. It balances challenge and the ability to succeed. It also provides the child with feedback for his actions. They also continue to model the right behaviors and social expectations for him. They talk to the child, sing to the child and even more importantly listen to and converse to the child. When he coos or babbles, the parent listens and waits for him to finish. She may repeat the sound and this act tells the child that not only does what he says matter (she stopped to listen), but he’s also being heard (she repeated what he said). The parent observes the child for verbal and non-verbal cues to hunger, care, sleep etc. while responding and providing language. Gradually, he improves his ability to communicate. It may be a word, or a sign, or a gesture like bringing over his bib when he is hungry. He knows he can communicate and make his needs known – another deposit in his Basic Trust in Self.

And then one day, before he’s one, you are together and he smiles at you and walks or crawls away. He looks back at you now and then but continues to move away with purpose. He goes out of sight and you wait for him to come back but he doesn’t. You go to check and you find him. He is sitting down and working at his shelf, or sitting at his table and having a snack. Maybe he’s drinking from his glass or sitting at his reading corner and flipping through a book that he has chosen by himself.

And then you realize that he has received the best gifts for the first year. He trusts the environment and himself. He is optimistic and knows that the world is a good place, and so is not afraid to venture away from you. He trusts in his abilities and is not afraid to explore independently. The foundations for a good life of happiness, lifelong learning and exploration have been laid.

I was privileged and lucky to receive my training and hence this information while I was pregnant for my son. It had truly been a gift and my dream is to make this information available to parents everywhere. I hope you will help me achieve this dream by providing this information to every expecting or new parent that you know. It is a gift that keeps on giving.

03 Feb

Gateway Parenting

by Wendy Calise | Montessori Blog

80 Comments

The theory goes something like this: if you use legal drugs such as tobacco or alcohol, or even what some consider “soft drugs” like marijuana, you are more likely to slip down the slope to using “hard drugs” like amphetamines, cocaine and heroin, than people who never get started using soft drugs in the first place. The starter drugs are often referred to as gateway drugs because use of them is seen as the first step through the gateway to even more dangerous behaviors.

But this is not an essay about drug use. Nor is it about some of the bad choices young people make. Rather it is a veteran educator’s ruminations about 21st century parenting – or what I call, Gateway Parenting.

To my knowledge, the words gateway and parenting have not been paired together. But parenting a young child is rife with opportunity to make troublesome choices that seem harmless at the time, notwithstanding the nagging feeling that something is amiss. And much like that only-experimental, peer-pressure-initiated, totally-innocent first puff of a cigarette, oftentimes it leads to more.

So what does Gateway Parenting look like? Does it start with something like you throwing your coat over every puddle so your child doesn’t have to get his feet wet? Or making four different dinners each night before you find one she is willing to eat? Unfortunately not. I say unfortunately because if it started with ridiculous acts such as these, few of us would be guilty. That would be akin to starting out on heroin.

This is what the slippery slope actually looks like. More often it starts with something like this: “Let me help you cut that.” “Sure you can have a bagel while we walk through the grocery store.” “How was school today? Were all of the children nice to you?” “I will tell Grandma you don’t like chicken.” “She was just misbehaving because she had so much sugar.” Or gluten. Or because the other children excluded her. Or the teacher is impatient. Or she fell off her bike earlier in the day.

Listen up. Those are the sounds of your first puffs.

As you read the article, if you are like most parents, you will irrationally assume the article is about you. Not because it is, but because we all participate in these activities at one time or another. And more often than not, thankfully, we see our children in some setting independent of our homes, and we realize that they are capable of much more than we are asking of them. We realize that we are spoiling them, to borrow an old fashioned word. Some of us, however, will continue on to the hard drugs. Some of us, too many I am afraid, are doomed to the life of a junkie. Stressed out and strung out and sure that if we do it one just more time, we promise it will be the last.

Perhaps you have heard horror stories in recent years about parents who show up to job interviews with their children. Or call college professors about a grade on a term paper. Or call their children’s employers about better pay or benefits.

How does that happen? How does a parent get to that point? I can assure you that we would not find among even the most hardened enablers a parent who would believe that he will be the one fifteen years from now to call a college professor. But some of you will. Because once you start doing for your children what they can do for themselves, there is a tragic feedback loop which receives from and expresses to both parties, parent and child. The less your child does for himself, the less you think he is able to do. The less you think he is able to do, the less he thinks he is able to do. The less he thinks he is able, the more convincing he becomes to you that he is not. I am feeling anxious just writing about it.

It goes from having a sippy cup in the car so the children won’t get too thirsty on the seven minute ride home, to carrying their backpacks for them, to dropping off the lunch they forgot in the car, to the quick conversation with the teacher to inform her that she is not handling the social struggle in her class quite fairly, to calling him out of school because he had a lot of homework the night before and worked really hard to get it done, to a quick call to the English professor. Just this once.

And therein lies the real danger of Gateway Parenting. Like many drugs, it is addictive. We all swear we can stop, we just don’t want to. Parenting language equivalent: “I will stop when she is a little older. She’s just a kid. It will be easier later when she can better understand why.” Except it won’t be easier later. It will only get harder. As you continue to intervene, the opportunities for your child to build his skills to manage challenges are passing him by. And with the loss of those opportunities goes the loss of his skills. He doesn’t get any better at solving problems and facing challenges. He gets older, but the problems just get harder and the consequences more dire. And he seems to always be one step behind. And you feel forced to always stay one step ahead.

So what to do? Just say no. No to alternative dinner choices. No to skipping soccer practice because it is raining. No to calling the teacher to let her know that your son would like her to tell Janie that she is hurting his feelings. No to extra allowance. No to driving her to her friend’s house three blocks away instead of having her walk. No to helping with homework. Say no. There is no substitute. There is no workaround.

And when you do try to give up Gateway Parenting, be prepared, your children will make it hard. Your neighbors will make it even harder. And the nanny will make it darn near impossible. Beware, I tell you, the rate of recidivism is high.

The first part of the struggle will be recognize when you are doing it. Many suggest that you think of your child’s life as a path. Every day you will face choices that present two options. You can prepare the path for your child by removing the big rocks, the medium stones, and even every little pebble. Or you can prepare your child for the path by letting him face as many challenges as you can stand. This isn’t easy parenting, but it is good parenting. And though it won’t always feel very good for you, it will make your child’s life a whole lot easier. It really will.

04 Dec

Owner’s Manual for a Child

by Donna Bryant Goertz | Montessori Blog

88 Comments

Dear Parent,

I want to be like you. I want to be just like you, but I want to become like you in my own way, in my own time, and by my own efforts. I want to watch you and imitate you. I do not want to listen to you except for a few words at a time, unless you don’t know I’m listening. I want to struggle, to make a grand effort with something very difficult, something I cannot master immediately. I want you to clear the way for my efforts, to give me the materials and supplies that will allow success to follow initial difficulty. I want you to observe me and see if I need a better tool, an instrument more my size, a taller, safer stepladder, a lower table, a container I can open by myself, a lower shelf, or a clearer demonstration of the process. I don’t want you to do it for me or rush me or feel sorry for me or praise me. Just be quiet and show me how to do it slowly, very slowly.

I will demand to do an entire project by myself all at once just because I see you doing it, but that’s not what will work for me. Be firm and draw the line for me here. I need for you to give me just one small part of the whole project and let me repeat it over and over until I perfect it. You break down the project into parts that will be very difficult but possible for me to master through much effort, following many repetitions, and after long concentration.

I want to think like you, behave like you, and hold your values. I want to do all this through my own efforts by imitating you. Slow down when speak. Let your words be few and wise. Slow down your movements. Perform your tasks in slow motion so I can absorb and imitate them. If you trust and respect me by preparing my home environment and giving me freedom within it, I will discipline myself and cooperate with you more often and more readily. The more you discipline yourself, the more I will discipline myself. The more you obey the laws of my development the, more I will obey you.

We are both so fortunate that within me I have a secret plan for my own way of being like you. I am driven by my secret plan. I am safe and happy following it. It is irresistible to me. If you interfere with my work of unfolding myself according to my secret plan and try to force me to be like you in your own way, in your own time, by your own efforts, I will forget to work on my secret plan and begin to struggle against you. I will decide to wage a war against you and everything you stand for. That’s my nature It’s my way of protecting myself. You could call it integrity.

Depending on my personality, I will wage the war more openly or more covertly; I will fight you more aggressively or more passively. A great deal of my incredible energy, talent, and intelligence will be wasted. You will probably win in the end, but I will be only a weak version, a poor substitute, a forgery of what I am capable of being, and you will be exhausted. Please take the pressure off both of us by preparing my home environment so I can do my work of creating a human being and you can stick to your work of bringing one up. I’ll do what I do best and you do what you do best.

I am capable of being the finest example of your best attributes and values expressed in my very own way. If you will prepare a home environment carefully and thoroughly for me, keep my materials and tools in order and good repair, set the limits clearly and firmly, give me long slow periods of time to work on my secret plan, I will do the work of developing a new human being, me! Did I mention that I need materials to be set out in every room of the house? I need to have materials available for quick and easy access wherever I happen to be in the house and wherever you are. I need to have the option of working and playing close to you. Most of the time, I need to use activities close to the shelf where they belong in order to form the habit of putting away.

My secret plan for developing myself is carried out entirely by hand, hands that is, my own two, to be precise. I am a fine artist, a master craftsman, and require the finest tools and supplies. Don’t give me a lot of junk, just a few fine materials that are complete and in good repair. Excess is worse than unnecessary; it’s distracting. It disturbs my creative process. It makes me irritable and uncooperative. I know it’s hard to believe that through my chosen activities carried out independently and in a state of deep concentration I am developing my character, but it’s true. I can’t make fine character out of a lot of junk in a big mess.

My home is my studio and my workshop, so be sure it is quiet and peaceful. Play soft, soothing music while I am awake. Watch TV only after I am in bed. While I’m up, I will make all the noise we need. Oh, and I need everything to be kept in order. I can’t do my best work in a mess. I don’t know how to make order for myself but I crave it, so I will need you to do it for me at least three times a day. If you make order for me in a practical and esthetically pleasing way that makes sense to my logical mind, I will gradually begin to imitate you more and more.

Eventually you will be able to require that I put away for myself, when I’m six or so, providing you always remember to check in with me about it three times a day until I’m nine. I can’t cope with an entire day’s accumulation of things to put away, much less an entire week’s worth. I will certainly never be able to cope with a month’s worth of mess. If you get distracted and forget to help me put away during the day and the mess builds up, you will have to put it away yourself every night.

I hate to be so demanding, but I need to have all my supplies organized and displayed in complete sets within my reach so I can get them for myself. If I have to ask you for what I need all the time, I will begin to feel like either a commanding general or a whining invalid. Stop and think, I could really get into one or the other of those roles. Neither of us wants that. I need independence like I need oxygen. It brings out the best in me. The time you spend setting up my environment will be time you save by not dealing with my petulant, obstreperous, recalcitrant side.

Television is a big interruption in my development. Sorry! I know you don’t want to hear this, I need hands on activities and I need lots of processing time. TV distracts me from more important activities and fills my head with more than I have time to process. Read to me every day because reading goes slowly, allowing for processing along the way. TV packs more in than I know what to do with, so I shut down and either become passive or frenetic. I know you might think some shows are good for me, and I know you might think you deserve the break TV provides, but we both pay a heavy price for every half-hour I watch.

I can’t resist the TV, but that’s okay because every three-to-six-year-old has a parent, and that’s what parents are for. TV makes me distracted, irritable, and uncooperative. The more I watch, the more I want to watch, so it creates issues between us. If you can’t say no to a daily TV viewing habit for me now, where is my example for developing the strength to say no to other bad habits later? Besides, the more I watch TV, the less I want to be like you. Remember, I imitate what I watch. Oh, yes, nix also to the video and computer games I beg for and all my friends have. Come on, I know you can do it.

I will usually be so consumed with my work and play that I won’t hear you when you speak to me. Don’t make it worse by speaking from a distance or repeating yourself. Just get down on my level within a foot of my face, get my attention, and look into my eyes before you speak. Then let your words be few, firm, and respectful. You will save both of us a lot of senseless suffering if you can remember to do that. I know it will not be easy for you to remember, but if you work hard you can train yourself to make it a habit. After all, if you don’t do what you’re supposed to do, how can you expect me to do what I’m supposed to do?

If you don’t have the time or energy or, I hate to say it, self discipline to follow through on what you say, just don’t say it. Idle threats and empty promises make me despise you. You look foolish, arbitrary, and weak. I know I act like I want to run the universe myself, but that’s just a show of bravado. I really need a parent to run my world. When I can’t depend on you to mean what you say, I can’t trust you. That causes me to feel deeply insecure and go to extremes. It’s frightening to me because I love you so much. I need to respect you and trust you to say what you mean and mean what you say. You are the most important part of my home environment.

You’ll be glad to hear that part of my secret plan calls for helping you around the house and yard. No, it can’t be when you have time or are in the mood, or even when it would really be helpful to you. It has to go by my interest. Sorry, I can’t be flexible about that. After all, I’m the one who’s creating a human being. You’re just bringing one up. Well, I guess it won’t really be a help to you at all, not immediately or directly. It’ll really be a big hindrance. I have to be given the right size equipment, careful demonstrations, and lots of time and patience.

Just when I master a certain skill and become capable of making a real contribution, I’ll tire of it and choose not to do it again. Then I’ll want to learn a new job requiring far more skill and expertise and you will have start all over again. This will happen about once a week for the next six years and take up a lot of your valuable and scarce time. In the long run it really will be a big help, though, because I’ll feel so invested in our home and family that I’ll be a lot more reasonable and cooperative about our family’s values and rules. I’ll also be so skilled, capable, independent, and self-disciplined by the time I’m nine years old that it will be reasonable to expect me to do my share around the house and yard. I will have developed obedience.

I know my needs are great and many. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but you are all I’ve really got. I love you and I know you love me beyond reason or measure. If I can’t count on you, who can I count on? But let’s not kid each other. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I’m tough and resilient. I’ll survive and make the best of it. Just thought you might want to have the chapter on the Primary Montessori Home Environment from the Owner’s Manual for a Montessori Primary Child. You could make the next three years a lot more fun for both of us by taking care of me according to my needs. Hey, can we just shoot for meeting 50% of my needs? Okay, okay, I’ll settle for 25%.

Love, hugs, and kisses,

Your Three-to-Six-Year-Old

P.S. I know I’m very lucky. Not many children have parents that will really listen and pay attention to their needs instead of just giving in to their whines and tantrums. Maybe they’re scared their kids will stop loving them. Maybe they’re scared their kids won’t be popular. I’ll save that subject for Chapter Six.

The more TV I watch the more I will complain of boredom because I will gradually lose my natural bent for following my Sensitive Periods–you know, those drives for certain activities during certain stages of development. Without interference of TV, a restless sense of creative dissatisfaction prompts me to explore my environment and fix my attention on an activity, concentration on it, and repeat it. Under the influence of TV, that same restless sense becomes a pouty monster called boredom that tyrannizes you and me both, wears on our relationship, and compromises my best development.

19 Mar

Montessori and Attachment Parenting

by Marcy Hogan | Montessori Blog

34 Comments

I have always wanted to raise my children in a Montessori manner. I want them to attend a Montessori school and even created a Montessori-inspired home environment. Taking the Assistants to Infancy course was not an option for me before having children, so I did the next best thing by reading books such as Montessori from the Start for guidance. I am far from perfect, but I l think I have done an OK job of weaving the Montessori philosophy into my parenting style.

Since my first son’s birth 3 years ago, I have also gravitated towards Attachment Parenting. Yet, I have started to question: are these two philosophies compatible?

The Montessori Method and Attachment Parenting do share many commonalities. For example, both stress treating children as individuals worthy of respect and try to meet their needs in a loving way so that are secure enough to explore their world as independent beings. Both also aspire to raise children in a natural manner, from a gentle birth to using non-toxic products in the home. Both also encourage breastfeeding and cloth diapering.

However, there are also differences. Attachment Parenting tends to support extended breastfeeding, nursing children well past the first year until both mother and child feel ready to stop. When I read the section in Montessori from the Start about breastfeeding, I was surprised at the suggestion to begin weaning the child off the breast at 6-9 months of age in order to encourage independence. This seemed strange to me, as most global health organizations encourage breastfeeding for at least the full first year. How would mother and child feel about weaning so early on? Is it unnatural?

“Babywearing”, or using slings or wraps to carry the child on the mother’s body, is another issue as it has become a trend among Attachment Parents. The goal is to provide security and contact comfort for the child. Newborns who spend time skin-to-skin with the mother tend to breathe better and control their body temperature more easily. One can find many resources online about the benefits of babywearing, for both mother and child.

Yet, some Montessorians react negatively to the subject of babywearing. Slings and wraps constrict baby’s movement, they argue, and should not be used because the baby cannot move his body to develop coordination. A passage in Montessori from the Startconjures up the image of carrying a kitten in a sling to highlight how terrible the idea is.

Not all Montessorians feel this way – I know a handful who breastfed their children past the first year and/or carried them in slings. Online research demonstrates that I am not alone. I breastfed my first son for 15 months and have worn both my babies. Although I enjoy the snuggling aspect of babywearing, I admit the main appeal is utilitarian more than anything. I gave birth to my second son 3 months ago and he does not take kindly to being set down. I give him as much “floor time” as possible, but after 5 to 10 minutes he gets upset and needs to be held (or fed) again. Wearing him in a carrier is a matter of necessity for us, as I can’t simply hold him all day long, especially with a 3-year-old to care for as well. And, more importantly, it does make him happier.

I was resigned to the fact that these two sides of my parenting style would simply have to coexist; I thought I would be a Montessori parent who happens to also wear my baby, and breastfeed him for as long as he (and I) felt was right. I admit that I was tempted to attend the recent Montessori Refresher Course in Long Beach with my newborn strapped to my chest, just to see the reaction!

But not too long ago I came across a very interesting blog post from a parent who discovered a passage in The Absorbent Mind that addressed these very topics. In it, Dr. Montessori references cultures in which mothers nurse their children for several years and carry them on their bodies all day. She noted how these children rarely cry compared to those from Western cultures and how they learn about the world in the most natural way possible, because they are with their mothers all day; the children become a natural part of the mother’s day-to-day life as she does work both inside and outside the home.

Huh. Well, perhaps Dr. Montessori did approve of Attachment Parenting after all!

So what about you fellow Montessori parents? Are you drawn to the Attachment Parenting style? Do you think Montessori philosophy and Attachment Parenting are compatible?

25 Jun

Independence: The Birthplace of Self Esteem

by Pilar Bewley | Montessori Blog

2 Comments

Lacy’s brother was born in Texas a month after she turned three. Mom, knowing she’d have her hands full with a newborn, asked her husband to take Lacy to visit cousins in L.A. Although he was a great provider, Lacy’s dad was one of those hands-off fathers who never changed a diaper or warmed a bottle of milk. Naturally, the thought of spending a week alone with a three-year old girl terrified him.

“How will I dress her?” he asked his wife nervously.

“She can dress herself,” she replied.

“Should I brush her hair?”

“She can brush her own hair.”

“Do I need to give her baths?”

“She knows how to take a shower by herself.”

He was amazed. “Really? She can do all those things?”

Lacy’s mom smiled. “She can do all those things and much more. Why do you think I enrolled her in a Montessori school last year?”

Adults smiled when Lacy walked down the streets of L.A., for she fashionably paired a green striped shirt with a red plaid skirt, purple knee-high socks, and white sandals (among other similarly bold outfits). Her lopsided pigtails peeped out from under a flowered hat, and she carried a faded yellow teddy bear everywhere she went. Lacy’s off-the-wall fashion sense didn’t diminish her dad’s appreciation for Montessori; he was delighted to enjoy their trip without worrying about his young daughter’s upkeep.

By helping her develop the necessary skills to take care of herself, Lacy’s parents were setting her up for a lifetime of success (albeit not in the fashion world). Research shows that parents and teachers who encourage children to accomplish tasks by themselves are helping them develop a strong self-identity, a resiliency to setbacks, and a higher level of creativity.

When a child is shown how to do something, and then she’s allowed to do it on her own (as the Montessori method encourages), she understands that she is viewed as capable and trustworthy in the eyes of adults. This raises her self-esteem more than any amount of verbal praise ever will. She also learns the value of perseverance; it is very likely that she will not execute the task perfectly the first time, but knowing that mom and dad think she’s capable will encourage her to keep trying. Independence also invites the child to think of new ways of solving problems, which promotes the development of creativity.

Lacy’s parents will tell you that supporting their child’s autonomy is not always easy. It requires patience and careful planning. When a child is learning how to do something by herself, it might take her several tries before she gets it right. Independence can be a frustrating, time-consuming, and downright messy endeavor! Throughout this trial and error process, mom and dad have to take a deep breath and remember the long-term benefits that come from a child buttoning her own sweater or spreading her own jam (even when more jam ends up on the counter than on the toast).

Sometimes, Lacy’s mom is uncertain of her daughter’s abilities. She doesn’t want to give her a task that would prove too overwhelming, so she applies a technique that she learned from Lacy’s Montessori teacher. She breaks down a long activity into several shorter tasks, modeling each one slowly and then offering Lacy a turn. Before beginning, mom reminds the little girl that she can ask for help if she needs it, but she is careful not to interfere even if Lacy seems to be struggling. To her mom’s delight, most of the time her daughter finds a clever solution to the challenge at hand. When she doesn’t, Lacy politely asks for help and mom offers only enough support to get her past the obstacle.

The look on Lacy’s face and her enthusiastic cry of “I did it by myself!” let mom know that she’s on the right track as a parent, and make the challenges of raising children seem a little less daunting and a little more rewarding. Lacy, meanwhile, wanders off to find her yellow bear and her flowered hat, unaware that the buds of resiliency and self-reliance are beginning to bloom within.

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