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04 Dec

A Death in the Community

Donna Bryant Goertz by Donna Bryant Goertz | Montessori Blog
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Speaking to Children about the Death of a Classmate’s Mother
(excerpt from “The Cycle of Life: From Birth to Death and Beyond”)

I have spent the past two days speaking to groups of children, four to six at a time, in various classrooms about their friend Esther’s mother Celeste, the Brownie leader, who is in Hospice care. A couple of parents have requested that I write about these conversations and share them with you. When I spoke with the children, we usually began with how very sick or hurt a person can be and how complete the recovery can be. Treatments and medications can help a person get well again. The children told stories about people they have known who were very sick or injured and how they have recovered.

We spoke of the people who get worse for a long time and finally get better after years of medication and treatment. The children shared stories. We spoke of the people who get worse and worse and no medication or treatment helps them. They continue getting worse and they don’t get better. The children told of people they’ve known who died.

We spoke of the mystery of life and death and how the two are one. There is no life without death. Just as we open our arms to life, we open our arms to death. The children speak of all the animals and people they know who have died. They speak of the little babies, children, teenagers, parents and grandparents. We talk about the usual order of things, the model we expect—that animals and people die when they are very old and ready to die. We grieve and we miss them, but it is an expected and accepted grieving and missing.

We spoke of the babies, children, teenagers and parents who die — how few of them die and how unexpected and unacceptable we feel it is. We emphasized how unusual it is for a mom or dad to die before the children are grown up. I tell the children that a child’s worst fear is often that their parents will die, but that actually their parents will probably live to be eighty years old. Very old people who are sick and feeble may come to long for death. Those who love them may welcome their death as a kind relief. I emphasize that it is unusual for parents to die before their children are grown up.

The children talk about sickness, accidents and diseases. I follow their lead and straighten out their misinformation. I repeat how wondrous, strange and beautiful, how sorrowful and lovely, and how heartbreaking and joyous life is. The children spoke of their ideas of what comes after death. We spoke of Heaven and the angels, of the Good Earth and giving our bodies back to it. We spoke of returning to Live Again and of Life Everlasting and of Becoming All with Nature, both body and spirit.

The children all had their own ideas and ways of thinking and feeling about sickness and death. We brought up many different religions and spiritual paths. We spoke of God, the Life Force and Nature. One little boy waited until the other four children in the group had left. Then, he told me had no religion. I smiled a big, broad smile at him and said a big Ahaa! He looked at me harder, with large and earnest eyes, and said, really, his family had no religion. I told him that in that case, it meant that “all of life” was his religion. He smiled and smiled. He said Yes! I told him he would love all of life and be kind and loving to all of life—that he would be the best person he could be because he loved life so much. That would be his religion.

Children spoke of seeing a grandparent in bed at night and then finding his bed empty in the morning, because he had died and his body had been taken away. Such a mystery! They spoke of burials and cremations. We spoke of joy and sorrow, sickness and health, and accidents and recoveries. And death. We spoke of how long and hard grief can be and how we take joy right in the middle of it. Sometimes we have to open our hearts wider even when we hurt to let a bit of joy come in to the sorrow. We spoke of how sorrow goes away, but not altogether, and how it comes back suddenly. We spoke of how we call joy back, take it in and fill ourselves up with it.

We spoke of how hard it is to see a person becoming weak and thin. Watching a healthy body change can be upsetting to us. A couple of years ago, some of our families and children experienced a father dying over a three-month period. They said it was hard to watch him change so that they could no longer see in his body the person they had known. And it was hard when he could no longer recognize them and began calling them by other names. A child described how it haunted her for a long time.

The girls in the Brownie troop remember how recently they met at Esther’s house and her mother Celeste, their Brownie leader, had made delicious treats for them to eat and prepared interesting activities for them to do. In their practical and life-affirming way, the children were immediately concerned about who will be their Brownie leader.

One girl spoke of how strange it will be to go to Esther’s house and not see her mother. How can that be possible? Life and death are unfathomable mysteries. The children asked if they would ever see Celeste again. They were sad to think they might never see her again. We all agreed that within themselves, they carry a part of her spirit and some believe that they will see her in Heaven and she will be a part of all of Life and her body will be part of the Earth. We will all remember her and speak of her. The children can tell of good times they had with her. The children can make cards. Maybe the children can attend her memorial.

One girl said it is mostly the mother who cares for you and feeds you and listens when you are upset. How can a child grow up without her mother, she wondered? The children said over and over with fear and anger, this is not fair, not fair, not fair. They said it is okay for a sick and suffering person to die but not fair for a child not to have her mother. We search our souls for that fierce and passionate strength that we wish we never needed to find. And we find it. And we grow wiser than we ever wished we would.

But Esther has had such a loving and joyful mother for so long that she is strong and full of joy herself. She will be able to suffer the loss of her mother’s presence on earth yet keep her mother’s loving presence within her. It will be very hard but Esther will be fine.

Each person has a different way of grieving and we commit to respecting each person’s way. Your children will probably want to talk about this with you, their friends and their teachers; and they should feel free to do so. At the same time, it is important that each child respect Esther’s way of dealing with her grief and to follow her lead when discussing it with or near her. Handmade cards are a good way for children to express their sorrow and share their love for Esther while respecting Esther’s right to privacy with her grief. Here at school Esther chooses to say her mother is getting better. After her mother’s death, we will watch and wait to follow Esther’s lead.

Esther has many close friends whose mothers and fathers have helped out with rides to school and outings. These mothers and fathers are ready to do whatever is needed to help Esther and her father. Esther has spent her days at school and after in the company of friends doing fun things.

Celeste’s dream was to move to a house close to school before she died. Her husband and family are working to make that dream come true. Perhaps they will be moving by the end of this month. Esther’s father, Jon, will keep Esther in school next year so she can be close to her friends and their parents.

We knew you would want to know what’s going on and how we are speaking to the children about this so you can support them.

With sorrow and affection, and looking toward joy,

And so, as in all things, the School Culture is pervasive, cohesive, and integrated in philosophy and practice.

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: children, death, die, family, grieving, heaven, joy, life, love, people, school, sick, sorrow

25 Apr

Learn, Live, Laugh and Love

Jennifer Rogers by Jennifer Rogers | Montessori Blog
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Parents and teachers are some of the most inspiring people at work in the world today.  We’ll break into song when the first robin appears, dance a jig when the sun breaks through the clouds, cry on the last day of school, and laugh when it snows in April.

©MariaMontessori.com

We begin each day hoping to impart knowledge.  At day’s end, we consider all we have learned.  Cliché, Pollyannaish, but true:  learning really is the best part of teaching.  The best part of parenting really is seeing the world through the eyes of a child once again.

Our true stories sometimes become parables, investing meaning and value in ordinary days. Laughter and memory help us endure the sleepless nights that are part of the parenting package.

Even the embarrassing stories are too good not to share:

Laugh

Soon after Tommy began speaking in two-word phrases, he started stuttering.  His mother read and sang with him.  She worked diligently to engage him in affirming, accepting conversations.  Tommy continued to stutter.

One evening, after listening to his wife worry over the phone with a speech therapist, Tommy’s clear-headed father said, “Honey, if stuttering is the worst thing we have to deal with, let’s run with it.”

Tommy’s mother is thoughtful, a loving mother caught up in a common but unfortunate drive for perfection. When she laughed, her perspective shifted. In a giggly flash of personal insight, Tommy’s mother realized that stuttering is a walk in the park, compared to many other challenges parents face.

Laughter improves parenting, especially when parents laugh together.

Love

Anna has just returned to her suburban home after a year teaching in impoverished communities.  She talks with teachers and parents about the challenges she faced:  hungry children, poorly equipped classrooms, neglectful parents, and contaminated water.

Anna laughs at the memory of the morning she stood in the shower, busily lathering her shampoo when the water petered out.  “It was a long day,” she said. “I looked ridiculous teaching, and I felt ridiculous.”

Dressed in blue jeans and a white cotton shirt, her sun-bleached hair tied in a knot at her neck, Anna does not convey missionary zeal.  She is a quiet, dedicated teacher.  “I am not religious,” she said. “Mother Theresa was right, though.  ‘Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.’”

Learn

Ben Cooper was one of the brightest kids in his elementary class, the type of student who jumped up and down with excitement when he solved math equations.  Jim and Melinda Cooper enjoyed every moment of their son’s early education.  Ben left for school excited and returned home enthusiastic.

Ben’s teen-age angst caught his parents by surprise.  They assumed their son’s intelligence and extraordinary spirit would trump the defiance that afflicts so many adolescents.  Jim said when he learned his son was flunking his high school math class, he was flabbergasted

“I asked Ben what the problem was.  He said he was supposed to turn in his notes, and show his work.”  Jim sighed.  “Turning in notes accounts for a large percentage of the grade.”

Jim is a fine father, a calm, disciplined and loving mentor for his three children.  As he confided his story, Jim’s smile was honest, generous and easy. “I asked Ben if he had taken notes.  He had.  Ben just didn’t bother to turn them in,  ever.”

“Ben reminds me of myself at his age,” Jim said.  “I remember the feeling of adolescence, the acne and the urge to rebel. I remember thinking my parents and teachers were dumb. I can empathize but, to be honest, parenting an adolescent was driving me bonkers.”

Jim said failure has been a good teacher. “There is only one preparation for parenting an adolescent,” he said.  “Today, the time I have with Ben today is all the preparation I get. I’m learning today is all I need to understand tomorrow.”

Ben is still an adolescent, still growing up, still defining himself and his world.  His parents are growing up with him.  Jim and Melinda take one day at time, relying on the everything-will-be-OK confidence that is one of the marks of good parenting.

Live                                                 

When our oldest son was 18 months old, he had his first case of croup.  He went to bed with a runny nose and awakened at 2 AM struggling to breathe.  He was terrified, and so were we.   We dashed to the emergency room, where the doctors gave him a breathing treatment and sent us home with instructions to see the pediatrician in the morning.

Our son slept late the next morning, but woke up hungry and playful.  The pediatrician told us then that is often the pattern with croup.  Ten years later, we have lived through croup several times.  A calm response and cool, fresh air have replaced the emergency room as our treatment of choice.

I still remember the sympathetic advice offered by the first parent I talked to after our maiden voyage with croup.  Still exhausted from our sleepless night, I told her of our 2 AM trip to the emergency room.

“Well, the good news is, the emergency room gets easier every time you go,” she said.  “Also, you go less often.”

She was right.  Very few accidents feel like emergencies nowadays.  When we do shift into emergency mode, the routine is familiar. We take a good book and make sure we have the most recent insurance card, let the dog out before we go, and head out.  We return home hours later, bandaged and breathing, thankful for the comfort of home and the imperfect life that remains ours to cherish.

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: laugh, learn, live, love, montessori

14 Feb

Seven Ways to Love a Child: A Valentine for Parents

Jennifer Rogers by Jennifer Rogers | Montessori Blog
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A tired working mother stood in the classroom doorway, ready to depart with her two sons.  Separated in age by two years, the boys were as different in appearance as they were in temperament, but they were great kids. They enjoyed math and reading, laughed hard and punched hard.  They loved learning, loved life, loved each other.

Mom’s secret:  “There are many ways to love a child,” she said. “I keep it simple.  I have expectations.  I accept mistakes.  And I celebrate the process.”

Parenting is not consistent or predictable.  Loving a child is not always fun or easy.  Establishing a few flexible, healthy habits is a parent’s best demonstration of love.

©MariaMontessori.com

One:  Eat Together
Research has validated what most parents once understood intuitively:  Nothing is more valuable to a child’s physical, emotional, intellectual and social health than a daily family meal.  Sit at a table, turn the television off, use utensils and napkins.  It’s a simple act with profound implications.  The advantages for the life of a child far exceed the parent’s investment of time and energy.

Two:  Keep it Real
Wii is a fun distraction on a cold, rainy day. There are countless cable channels for kids, educational videos, electronic games designed to challenge and stimulate young minds.

None of these devices compare to time spent walking, talking, playing or reading with a parent.  There is no substitute for green fields, real sports equipment, friends, playgrounds and fresh air.

Children do not feel loved in virtual worlds.  To thrive, kids need to touch, move, feel and talk. They should experience the joys of conversation, the disappointment of defeat, and the drama of human relationship.  A child’s fine and gross motor skills develop through the use of her hands, her mind and her body.  Her vocabulary expands through the alternating, interactive use of her voice, her mind and her ears.  She is successful socially because she learns from her parents’ relationship how to love in the real world.

Three:  Mentors and Partners
Grandparents are treasure-troves of memories, ideas, observations and cautions.  Most grandparents remember some effective parenting techniques and will confess decisions they regret.  Experienced teachers can offer advice that is age-appropriate, reflecting their years working with specific populations of young people.  Parents of older children can anticipate phases and speak with the advantages of hindsight.

Parenting decisions are rarely quick or easy.  Age and person-appropriate expectations are seldom obvious.  Parenting without help is terrifying and dangerous. A brief, thoughtful conversation can be mind-altering, shifting a parent’s heart from despair, confusion or anxiety to optimism and hope.

Those fortunate parents with a committed, loved partner: hold on tight.   Children learn about love through observation and imitation.  Parenting is exhausting.  Find time and energy to fall in love again.

Four:  Read Together
Start young, and stick with it.  Literacy is an essential foundation to academic success.  Parents who read to and later with their children give them the best possible preparation for school, a firm foundation for learning, a ticket to travel around the world without leaving home.

Five: Welcome Failure
Parents who establish a friendly attitude toward mistakes and failures raise resilient children.  Loving a child who has made a mistake, failed a test, or fallen down on the field, means standing firmly in place while natural, appropriate consequences unfold.

A child’s confidence grows through independent experiences of failure, perseverance and success, her understanding that her parents believe she can handle the difficult situation she is facing.  Oddly enough, the most meaningful expressions of love for a child require parents to be silent and still, watchful, hopeful . . . but steadfast and smiling on the sidelines.

Six:  Assign Chores
A child first acquires confidence and a sense of competence by contributing to the daily life of his family.  Children who first experience work in their home understand that work and love flow simultaneously in happy families. A three-year old can fold napkins; a five year old can pull the trash can to the curb; an eight year old can wash the car weekly.  Chores and responsibilities should change as children age, increasing as the child grows in strength, knowledge and confidence.

Seven:  Maintain Authority
Many years ago I worked with a wise mother who had one preciously intelligent daughter, the only child in a loving marriage.  Among her many fine qualities, this mother was honest, open, and absolutely committed to raising a daughter who would grow to be as strong as she was born smart.

At a parent-teacher conference, she told me her daughter didn’t like being told what to do.  Faced with a direct instruction, she often told her mom, “I don’t like you any more.  You’re not my friend.”

Exaggerating her genteel southern accent, this fine mother said she had a fixed response: “Darling, I didn’t give birth to you because I needed a friend.”

Healthy children challenge authority and test boundaries, arbitrarily and repeatedly.  Most parents know this, yet feel exasperated, shocked, surprised and appalled when their children challenge and test.  Love for a child must include repeated expressions of parental strength and dominance, calm reminders that families are not democracies.  Children grow up feeling safe, loved and secure when they know their parents are in charge, looking out for the best interests of the children and the family.

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: day, grandparents, holidays, love, mentors, montessori, parents, partners, valentines

02 Apr

Work in Montessori

Ana Amiguet by Ana Amiguet | Montessori Blog
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©MariaMontessori.com

For most of us, the word “work” carries the heavy connotation of all the things we are supposed to do—but really want to avoid. It brings visions of stress and ulcers, of late nights and stale coffee. But if you are one of the lucky few who truly loves what you do, then “work” means something completely different. “Work” then means doing something that brings satisfaction and gratification, it means gladly giving of yourself to complete a task, and it means knowing that you will be rewarded with something more than material gain—joy in the process itself. It is this positive experience—of undertaking an activity that fulfills your mind, body and heart—that a child experiences in a Montessori environment. It is this that we mean by “work.”

But what is the difference between the kind of work which is an obligation and a chore, and the work that fulfills the spirit and the mind? First, it is important to realize that work in a Montessori environment is not forced on a child, but is instead freely chosen. A Montessori environment offers the child the liberty of choosing their own activities, and they have consistently, and independently, chosen work that serves a developmental purpose. Through this work, children show an ability to concentrate for long periods of time, a propensity for repeating an activity until a certain skill is mastered, and the urge to make the maximum effort on any task. Additionally, children demonstrate a great sense of joy while performing their work, and indicate that they want to learn how to be a help to their family or community, and contribute with the skills and the knowledge they have acquired.

In order for work to be an enjoyable experience, however, it needs to engage the whole personality, as it is then that the child can experience, “… the kind of pleasure and satisfaction that results only when basic needs are gratified,” (Mario Montessori, Jr., Clio, 1992). Differently from adults, a child performs a task not for the end result, but for the process itself. For example, in working with the Dressing Frames, and in learning how to tie bows, the child concentrates on a task that is helping him refine his fine motor skills, giving him independence from having to ask an adult to tie his shoes, and challenging both his fingers and his mind to complete the task at hand. In this simple activity, the child is able to integrate his personality, as the work addresses the development of his physical, emotional, and intellectual self.

Also, work in a Montessori environment always has multiple purposes, as one activity will indirectly prepare the child, and set him up for success, in other areas (of both the classroom and of life!). For instance, the child does not learn to wash a table merely so that it will be clean, but because learning to follow a complicated series of steps will help organize his mind, leading to the logical and ordered thinking required in the more advanced mathematics materials. Later, having a mind that can bring order out of chaos will help the future adult become an engineer, manage a company, or do his taxes! And it is imperative that the child is exposed to this kind of work before he is 6 years old, since this is when he is still forming his personality, and his mind. In this way, the child has the chance to be an organized person, as opposed to someone who realizes they need to be organized, and forces themselves to learn.

All in all, Montessori strives to erase the negative connotations imposed on the word “work” and replace it with what it should mean:

work (verb) to carry out a purposeful activity that fulfills an inner purpose, and helps the person integrate his mind, body and soul.

Filed Under: Montessori Blog Tagged With: love, montessori, work

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