parents

07 Feb

Birthday Wishes

by Michele Aspinall | Montessori Blog

When did a young child’s birthday party become a close second to planning for a wedding? I ask myself year after year, “What happened to simple birthday parties hosted at home with cake, ice cream, and games?” In our, “more is better” society, birthdays for children have gone way over the top. Often they involve twenty to thirty other children, an entourage of adults, a place that was booked weeks in advance, and all of this is rarely achieved for under a few hundred dollars. In general, parents (and children) are generating higher and higher expectations of what they see fit for a birthday celebration, sometimes blindly following the path of others. As a result, parents are feeling the stress and financial strain, while children are overloaded and overindulged beginning at a very early and impressionable age.

On the contrary, I have nothing but fond memories of my own birthday parties and I believe this is true because my mom knew best…she kept it simple. Primarily, she went this route out of necessity and likely had no idea how her minimalist choices would instill in me such a lasting appreciation. My first five years of birthday celebrations consisted of my brothers, sister, mom, dad, and my grandma Jean. It wasn’t until I was five that I had a birthday party that I shared with friends. And then, it was always held at my home and didn’t last longer than an hour.

The menu included a cake that my mother made (I can still taste it), ice cream, and a beverage. What we did at the party varied a bit. Typically, we played traditional birthday games like “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” or a “Scavenger Hunt” held outside. But sometimes my guests and I just played as we would on any other summer day. It was wonderful! Presents you ask? There were a few. Nothing extravagant. And because there were just a few, I savored each one and played with every toy until it could no longer be used.

The simplicity of how we celebrate birthdays in a Primary environment is reminiscent of how my mom handled my parties. We make it memorable, just as mom did.

The class festivities begin with the birthday child choosing a peer who will facilitate the gathering. Since we rarely meet as an entire class of three to six-year-olds, the need for direction to stay on course is required, although keeping it child-centered is a must. Once the facilitator is appointed, the class assembles around a lit candle placed upon a quilt or mat representing the solar system. The candle symbolizes the sun. The birthday child carefully holds the Painted Globe with pride and slowly circles the sun as the children serenade him with a song such as this…

The earth moves around the sun, tra la la The earth moves around the sun

The earth moves around the sun, tra la la

Now Johnny is one

The earth moves around the sun, tra la la

The earth moves around the sun

The earth moves around the sun, tra la la

Now Johnny is two

The song continues until we reach the age of the child.

After we sing, the facilitator announces that each child will now have the option of offering the birthday child an affirmation. If there are newly enrolled children, I stop to explain that an affirmation is a “gift of words”, something special about a friend that you have observed or especially appreciate. This portion of the celebration can last ten minutes or sometimes it can go on for thirty. I wish I could capture the expression of each child who is fortunate enough to experience a birthday in this way. Even after thirty years of teaching and hundreds of birthday celebrations, it’s difficult not to get emotional when I see how much this simple, no frills ritual means to each child.

So how can today’s parents mimic this unforgettable experience and create an inexpensive, memorable celebration? Keep it simple. It’s just that easy. Hosting the gathering in their home is a great first step to eliminating all of the unnecessary extras. This is a place where children feel most safe and secure, a place where the memories run deep. Parents should also rid themselves of any obligation to include their child’s entire class on the guest list. They should set the stage for others. Be today’s trendsetters! Have YOU always been invited to every party? Instead, allow the birthday child to formulate a list that consists of only a handful of friends. As a general rule, invite the same number of friends, as the child is turning old. Plan a craft that can be used as the take home party favor, eliminating the over-priced goody bag that’s often found in the parking lot of the venue anyway. Play a traditional game. Games like; Musical Chairs, Simon Says, and Telephone resonate in children today just as they did decades ago. Though they are disappearing as quickly as the laced shoe, games such as these will always remain as memory makers. Not only do they evoke endless laughter, but they also continue to teach our children self-control, social skills, respect for others, and conflict resolution. But I digress, a topic for another time.

A cherished friend once recommended to my husband and me to embark on a birthday tradition for our children as she once did. She suggested we present our children with an envelope on their birthday. In the envelope, there would be two slips of paper, one with a new responsibility and another with a new privilege. We implemented her idea when our first child was just a toddler. Now in high school, he and his sister continue to receive those responsibilities along with a well-deserved privilege. But most importantly, when planning a child’s party…keep it brief. This will significantly reduce the risk of overstimulation and the likelihood of meltdowns.

Keeping the length of the occasion short and sweet will allow the child to come away with so many more positive memories.

I do appreciate the pressures that come along with wanting to give our children the very best. I can only hope that we can change the current trend of birthday celebrations and get back to what is important with our children…raising thoughtful, selfless, responsible adults who understand what it means to occasionally earn rewards, not just ask for them.

20 Dec

Consider The Audience

by Jennifer Rogers | Montessori Blog

1 Comment

The benefits of reading aloud to young children are well documented. The only controversial question on the topic is boring. Teachers usually ask the question in the shrill, exasperated voice that unfortunately fits our stereotype: Why are there still so many parents who don’t read to their children?

Many parents do, of course, carve out time most days to sit down and read to our kids. We enjoy picking out new books. We have read some of our favorites so often the books have to be replaced, but we keep the old copies because there are so many memories associated with the kids we read to.

Nonetheless, there have always been too many children who enter school having never been read to. Working parents are often too tired at the end of the day, or too busy all day. Some parents are discouraged when children will not sit still long enough to listen. Many parents do not know how to pick books their young children will enjoy. In truth, each of these excuses – busy, tired, frustrated and overwhelmed – is true for most of us, some or all of the time.

It has never been hard to manufacture good reasons for not reading, but changes in technology have offered more convincing excuses to avoid sitting down beside a child with a book. Audio books are easily accessible, and in many cases, the recordings are exceptionally well done. Most popular children’s books have been made into more-popular movies. Hand-held and touch-screen devices allow the youngest children make independent choices, adjust the pace and volume of reading, stop and start at the times they select.

Without a dedicated adult and a book to hold, though, there is no dialogue, no warmth, and no love.

Advice

Here is the simplest, most effective advice, a three-word mantra for read-aloud parents: Consider your audience.

Try it, as I do, several times a day. In less time than it takes to finish the phrase in my mind, I am thinking of a particular child, or a group of kids, their ages and interests, the things they talk about, the subjects that make them laugh, and their attention spans. In a few seconds, I have all the information I need to make a good choice. It’s a tiny, internal flip, but it changes everything. Instead of beginning with a concern, or a sense of duty, or a desire to find the perfect bedtime story, the question turns my attention towards the kids I love.

Happily, the same “consider the audience” advice also works well while reading. Bad book choices are easily identified and replaced. Watching and listening while reading gives teachers and parents all the feedback we need. Humor, fear and confusion are hard to predict, but easy to notice. Maurice Sendak’s monsters are usually not scary, but Mr. McGregor in his garden is often terrifying. Mo Willems is not at all funny unless you read his books with a child. With a child as a reading companion, his characters and the situations he creates are hilarious.

Motivation

One of the strongest motivators for very young children who are just acquiring language is an earnest, urgent desire to express their needs and opinions. (For proof, watch a parent struggle with an unhappy infant, or a toddler in the midst of a tantrum). The same strength of character is revealed when a child is learning to listen. The youngest child will listen attentively when he is interested and has opportunities to respond with opinions and observations. If a child is bored, disconnected or disengaged, he will indeed walk away.

The desire to read begins when a child wants to know more about a subject, or when a story is so interesting she cannot bear for it to end, or when she wants to be like a loved, admired adult. Children who have been read to have longer attention spans, are more engaged, and more motivated. In short, children who have been read to enter school with the habits of good learners already firmly established.

04 Oct

Red Lights and Glowing Screens

by Sveta Pais | Montessori Blog

9 Comments

Each weekday, I pick my three-year-old daughter, the younger of my two children, up from her Montessori Children’s House community at noon. Our commute home can range from five to fifteen minutes in duration, because of five sets of traffic lights. On the days when every traffic light turns red, the journey can be less than smooth sailing. “Drive, mama, DRIVE,” she begs as I come to a halt. I look back at her tired eyes, and there’s nothing I want more than to keep moving. With empathy and firm-ness I respond, “You don’t want mama to stop the car. You really, really wish I could drive so we could be home quickly. But the light is red and it means stop, and I will drive when it turns green.”

picture of children playing — ©MariaMontessori.com

One of the key components of parent-child relationships is encounters such as this one at red lights. There are negotiations which are relatively easy to endure because of the known harmful effects of what my child is demanding, like when that tiny voice gravely pleas for a sip of the wine I am drinking. In those instances, I can calmly acknowledge my daughter’s point of view and let her experience disappointment. “I hear you,” I say, “You want what I am drinking and the wine is not available. Would you like water or milk with your dinner?” Other negotiations are not that simple, because of my own ambiguity or the fact that I’m treading in uncharted waters. I have wondered, for example, how bad it could be if I give my child an iPad so I can get a few things done? Maybe even distract her from all those red lights. After all, it’s pretty much the norm these days.

As my husband and I reflect on almost a decade of parenthood, the most challenging area of boundary setting we’ve had to navigate is our children’s access and exposure to media. Imagine what it is like for us in a restaurant waiting for our meal to arrive, surrounded by other families all of whom have children sitting still, eyes glazed with the eerie glow of the electronic screen in front of them, while we pull out crayons and offer a game of “I Spy.” Who would have thought, even a few years ago, that such a scene of crayons and “I Spy” would be the oddity?

Let me backtrack a little by stating that a screen-free childhood for our offspring was never one we set out to achieve when we began our parenting journey. While pregnant for the first time, I accepted a collection of “Baby Einstein” DVDs from a friend without giving it a second thought. After all, they were “educational,” right? (Research-based answer: Wrong).

The table began to turn when we started attending Prospective Parent classes at a local Montessori school. These were the days before smartphones and tablet computers, and the school put out a very strong advisory against children (aged 12 and under, but particularly below age six) viewing television, playing video games, and using computers. Most of the advice offered was based on the vast experience and anecdotal evidence of the school’s founder, Donna Bryant Goertz. In the late 2000s, there was relatively little scientific research available on the long-term effects of children’s screen usage. We were struck by Donna’s notion of childhood experienced in a way that supported the self-development and self-education of the child, both at school and at home. While Donna never derided a parent for not living up to the ideal she prescribed, on one point she was unrelenting: screens had no part in the life of a Montessori child either in the classroom or at home.

Fast forward a decade and studies on the effects of screen usage in children are slowly but surely unfolding. For the past year I have been closely following “Parenting For A Digital Future,” a three-year research project at my alma mater, the London School of Economics and Political Science, which has been exploring prevalent attitudes and advice to parents in relation to children and screen time and questioning its relevance in today’s world. And I have never seen a more conclusive or compelling compilation of scientific evidence on screen usage as that presented in Dr. Nicholas Kardaras’ book, “Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids – and How to Break the Trance.” These studies are an affirmation that by making the choice to eliminate, as much as possible, our children’s screen exposure, for as long as possible, my husband and I have given them the best opportunity possible for optimal brain and socio-emotional development.

So, how do we navigate those “red light” conversations with our children when it comes to the topic of screens? The answer again goes back to Donna Bryant Goertz who challenged us as very young parents to consider what we valued most, and the kind of culture we wanted to evolve for our family life. The family life we currently enjoy is one that revolves around the richness of real-life experiences. Congruent to having all media turned off while our children are awake is a carefully prepared home environment which supports their independence, and parents who work hard to be consistent with each other. “Why don’t we watch TV in our house?” my older daughter asked when she was four years old. “Every family is different,” I responded, “It’s not that television is bad. In our family we just prefer to do other things which your dad and I believe help grow your brain.”

Interestingly, since that occasion, the conversation has not arisen. Children identify their parents’ lack of decisiveness by a mile, and these are the areas in which they test boundaries the most. Once my husband and I made a commitment to minimizing electronic screen usage in our home (and this includes our own), there was no going back.

This past summer our family went on a road trip. When we arrived at our destination, the children ran into the condo, our abode for a week. I watched as they explored each corner, curious to see what they would make of the three giant television screens. After a while, one of the screens caught their eyes but the girls dismissed it as their attention settled on the two remote controls below it. The rest of the week they spent using the remote controls as pretend phones. What could have been a passive activity in front of a glowing screen made way for some very creative and engaging conversations with imaginary people!

The thing about traffic lights is that red always gives way to green. Next summer, my husband and I plan on taking our daughter (who will be almost 10 years old) to a movie theater for her first movie. What a thrilling experience that will be! Someday there will be the age-appropriate need for a cell phone when I hand her car keys. There will even be the time when the tiny girl who implored a sip of wine at the age of three and I will both be adults enjoying a glass together. Life will most certainly unfold, but for the present time, I am determined that my children will not join the ranks of what Dr. Kardaras terms “glow kids.” I am willing to wager that that would not be my children’s preference either; they are having much too good a time experiencing their childhood as, well, just plain kids.

20 Sep

It’s A Material World

by Sveta Pais | Montessori Blog

11 Comments

I have recently become aware that in the arena of Montessori parenting, I am quite the old fuddy-duddy. My first child was born in an age before the release of the iPhone 3G. Conversely, by the time my second child entered the Children’s House, I owned an iPhone larger than the size of her head!

picture of girl sewing — © Maria Montessori

In the olden days, circa 2008, I primarily relied on, for my Montessori information, the Prospective Parent classes at the Montessori School to which our daughter awaited admission. I read a handful of articles by Donna Bryant Goertz and a couple of books: Lillard and Jessen’s “Montessori from the Start,” and “The Absorbent Mind” by Maria Montessori. What I find nowadays, as I encounter those embarking on their Montessori journey, is parents who are inundated with “Montessori-inspired” information from blogs and social media. For some, this plethora of knowledge is useful, for others intimidating, but all too often I find it concerningly misleading or just plain inaccurate. It raises the question: How did I get by all those years in preparing a suitable home environment for my Montessori family, with nary a website in sight?

What is important to my Montessori experience, is access to a school that does very well in supporting parents in bridging their children’s lives between school and home. This support has less to do with materials provided the children- the premise of many a Montessori blog – but, rather, those intangible gifts that support and sustain a wholesome existence: adequate sleep, nutrition, time in nature, screen free living and a family culture where parents are present to their children and each other. The school calls this bridge “Partnership”.

For those Montessori families who do not have the benefit of such partnership, how do we cross that bridge? These are the basic lessons my husband and I took away from our children’s school, which helped us foster the culture of our Montessori home:

In a Montessori home, all obstacles to the child’s struggle for independence and full participation are removed before adding anything. In her book, The Absorbent Mind, Dr. Montessori said that a child’s conquest for independence begins at birth, and that “the child will overcome every obstacle that he finds in his path”. If we believe this to be true, why not just remove obstacles to make a child’s path to independence that much less frustrating, and so much more rewarding? In our home, we have found obstacles to be our own agendas as adults, screens, a propensity to collect belongings that are manageable (or even helpful) for us as adults but are overwhelming and depriving for our children, and expectations of our children that are outside of what is developmentally possible.
In a Montessori home, adults and children work to co-exist harmoniously. From the moment one enters our home, it is evident that children live here, and alongside them, adults. It’s not bright colors or presence of cartoon characters that indicate the lives of our children. Instead, their things are just things, made of natural materials, even fragile, but child size. Where child-size is not possible, like a sink or kitchen counter, there are stools for independence.
In a Montessori home, the needs and the natural development of each child is honored. Being almost six years apart in age, our children will be in two different planes of development until adulthood. We respect this by creating individual spaces for each child, but provide opportunities for them to peacefully cohabitate with each other. For example, our 3-year-old has a small selection of books available in a way that makes it manageable for her to use and put away. In the cabinet next to her book sling is housed our 8-year-old’s set of World Book Encyclopedias. They share the comfortable chairs designated for reading.
In a Montessori home, children are fully participating members of the family. We’ve all experienced those Christmas mornings when the new toys are ignored, but significant time is spent manipulating the boxes in which they were packaged. Certainly toys such as puzzles, blocks, balls, even dolls are enjoyed at our home, but it’s the “wavy chopper” (a child-safe knife) that gets most use. Everyone digs in when there is work to be done, and these are not “chores”; they are just part of our responsibilities as members of a family, and we refer to them as such.
In a Montessori home, children have freedom of choice within a framework of firm and cheerful boundaries, set by their parents. Although the necessary self-regulation can be hard work for some parents, it is possible to hold our boundaries with our children in a friendly and respectful manner. There are times, for instance, when I am short on time and energy, and I want to cook dinner by myself, much to the consternation of my 3-year-old who wants to help. On those days, I have to check in with myself first, connect with my children, set my expectation of them without any ambiguity, and then get on with my task. Although handing her my mammoth phone for distraction would certainly be easier, what I would sadly lose is my daughter’s interest in working alongside me the next night in favor of a more addictive, albeit purposeless, pastime. These are the times when a home environment that is prepared for our children’s self-directed activity is worth even more than the effort in gold.
In a Montessori home, and I should perhaps have put this at the top of the list, parents are continually working on being consistent with each other and with their children. When my husband and I married 13 years ago we were of different religious persuasions, and I found myself slightly offended by the writer Paul’s biblical assertion that “believers should be yoked to believers”. After having children, however, my eyes opened to Paul’s analogy of the wooden bar that “yoked” two oxen as they ploughed. Regardless of our beliefs or spiritual practices, the yoke symbolizes to me the constant communication that needs to occur between parents, so that the work they do together is lighter. With parents working as a united team, family life is mutually supported and joyful.

img_3307-material-world-medium — ©MariaMontessori.com

With my somewhat seasoned and old-fashioned experience as a Montessori parent, I am sometimes disheartened that the true essence of the Montessori philosophy is lost in an age of information and a culture of consumerism. Do our children need those toys which are suggested will “Montessori-fy” their lives, when the day goes by so much more pleasantly outside with a ball? And is there really such a thing as a “Montessori-friendly” television show or app, regardless of how steeped it is in reality?

I contend that we need to get back to basics, and provide for our children a home life that is rich in human connection, and one, as Dr. Montessori said, “invites the child to conduct his own experiences”. In a material world, the best we can offer our children is everything they need; and nothing that they don’t.

23 Oct

Building a Foundation of Trust

by Dawn Cowan | Montessori Blog

2 Comments

“What do you think?”
“I’m sure you will do the right thing.”
“Do you have any ideas?”
“How might that work?”

Building statements like the above into our repertoire is one small way that parents and teachers build partnership with children. Whether it’s rearranging the garage, working through an argument with a sibling, or figuring out when the best time of day to practice piano, the habit of soliciting children’s thoughts and ideas communicates our respect for their perspective and our trust that they are able to find creative solutions.

It can require patience, suspension of judgment, and a spirit of exploration. Often we have to stop ourselves from jumping in and offering solutions or direction. However, the doors that open can be remarkable and rewarding. Last weekend at a potluck, my daughter asked if she could have a cookie. My response was, “I think you know what my concerns might be and I trust you make a good decision.” To which she replied, “I should make sure to eat some real food first and then not have too many sweets, right?” Of course, this is a point of arrival after many family conversations about nutrition but now we can both move on; me from monitoring her choices at such gatherings and she from feeling the need to run these small decisions by me. Our trust in one another means we both have a little more freedom to enjoy the event. Had I just launched into a directive or negotiation, we would have lost this moment.

When two students argued about use of a certain material, one of my standard responses was to set it aside and send them off to create a plan with which they could both agree. During our Upper Elementary parent orientations, one piece of advice for parents of 9-12 year old children is when they bring a complaint or concern home, the parents best first question is “What did Greg/Stephanie say when you discussed it with them?” While we don’t leave the children adrift, the message comes through clearly: You have good ideas. You have the power to solve your problems. We trust you.

Trust, in this context, is the fundamental belief that we all desire to bring our best selves to each moment. This is not the same as the expectations of perfection which often lead to feelings of disappointment, mistrust and that great demoralizer, comparison. When trust is present, we see the great good in one another and all that is possible rather than looking for what is missing. The child’s idea of how to clean up spilled water may not be our idea of efficient, but they, invested in creating the solution, will likely give their best self to the effort and will likely be willing to offer help again. I’ve often seen children’s ideas about how to resolve social issues work better than the adult suggestions!

Trust allows the children to rise to their own potential and develop skills of self-management. Equipped with lessons and guidance, their confidence builds as they begin to believe in their own powers of judgment and autonomy. Creating space for collaboration and independence: this is the joyful challenge of parents and educators with the benefit that the result is that our work together is eased when all parties feel autonomous and respected, cutting out the need for willful opposition. There are plenty of educational programs and parenting approaches that script every part of the day, from morning circle to craft time to sing-along to reading hour. In this case, standardizing the experience solves many variables. Micromanagement offers an illusion of control and peacefulness, but ultimately undermines the opportunities for spontaneous, creative problem solving. Supporting independence and self-management is a messier proposition requiring friendliness with error and, sometimes more challenging, friendliness with one another’s error but leading us toward peaceful collaboration and interdependence in the work of living and learning together.

31 Mar

How Cramming for a College Midterm Led to MariaMontessori.com

by Matt Hillis | Montessori Blog

8 Comments

With heavy eyes, I read the same paragraph for the third time in a row. My last dose of caffeine was definitely wearing off. I needed to do something – anything – to push through and continue studying.

Yes, I’ll admit it. Anthropology 101 wasn’t my favorite class. I didn’t do all the required reading. The midterm was in 6 short hours and I wasn’t prepared.

So – facing these odds, what does an overwhelmed college student decide to do? Well… waste time on the internet, of course.

Keep in mind, this was way before the “always on” high speed internet nirvana that students enjoy today. In fact, I took great pains to muffle the squelching soundtrack of the internet connection with my coat; my roommate was a light sleeper. Ahhh, the good old days of dial up…

I sifted through a few pages and wound up on a site to register domain names. My inner procrastinator jumped at the idea of playing a game. “What domain names can I find that are available?”

In a burst of energy, I typed in common words, phrases and people with a .com, to no avail. Page after page came back with a red banner stating that the domain was already taken. And, then it happened. A green banner with a simple, pleasant message: Available. The domain? MariaMontessori.com.

As a Montessori alumnus through Upper Elementary, I was intrigued. With the last $20 available on my credit card, I reserved the domain name. I felt like I had found a secret wormhole in the internet. Doesn’t everyone know about Maria Montessori?

What Happened Next

Nothing. Nothing happened with the site for years. In fact, I almost let the renewal lapse in a particularly financially lean year. The $20 annual fee was hard to justify, especially when I had no specific plans for the site.

And – yes – I passed the Anthropology exam (barely).

I’m glad I kept the domain, however. More than a decade after I registered it,

MariaMontessori.com (MM.com for brevity) is now one of the most trafficked sites about Montessori education in the world, with a bevy of content produced by Montessori teachers, trainers and parents.

How did this happen?

The Spark That Started the Fire

While sharing war stories at the 2009 Refresher Course, many administrators lamented about our challenges with spreading the word about authentic Montessori, especially in the digital age. With so much misinformation online, it was a challenge to convince parents that Montessori was the best option for their children.

Does anyone have any ideas? What can we do?

I sheepishly volunteered that I have a unique domain name we could use…. and the rest is history.

3 Facts About MM.com That May Surprise You

MM.com is sponsored by a group of Montessori administrators.Surprise! We are not Montessori teachers, parents or trainers.
MM.com is sponsored by The Montessori Administrators Association (MAA), an all-volunteer, inclusive group of school leaders from around the world. Many of us are Montessori trained (and used to work with children) and our role provides a unique perspective into the needs of all people in the Montessori community.
We want to help youOne of the problems we see again and again is the lack of access to high quality, easy to digest information about Montessori.
To accomplish our goal, MM.com has a compendium of articles, tips and how-to’s for you to use – free of charge.
It’s a collaborative effortWe are privileged to work with writers from around the world who share their perspective from their practice of Montessori at different levels. Their contributions form a digital portrait of modern Montessori practice, which you can use to better serve your school community.

Don’t Look This Gift Horse in the Mouth: How to Use MM.com

Although the content on the site is geared towards parents, our goal is to help administrators run better schools. Use the information to help parents better understand why Montessorians do the things we do.

Let’s face it, some aspects of Montessori can seem strange to people, especially in the light of modern culture. Why do we have a three hour work period? Why aren’t parents allowed in the classroom like the neighborhood preschool? And, is cosmic education some kind of cult initiation?

I know that you work hard to provide quality parent education about Montessori. Use the content on the site to buttress your efforts – as a second opinion of sorts – to strengthen any case you make about your practice.

How You Can Help

Did you or a member of your staff write a great article that resonated with your parents? Share it with us! Not only will you help further the Montessori movement, we will link back to your school website and promote your brand to hundreds of thousands of people from around the world.

Please direct all submissions of content to Matt@BergamoSchools.com.

13 Oct

The White Dot Incident

by Charlotte Kroger | Montessori Blog

4 Comments

When he came to the community at three years old, he established himself right away as ‘individual’ and ‘decider’. The guide thought he was extraordinarily self-aware and self-defined, with a prodigious vocabulary and an adult-like presence. He had a head of blondish curls and a sprinkle of freckles across the bridge of his nose. He intense brown eyes peered out from his glasses with dark rims – somewhat the little professor in appearance. She liked him right away. She had long since found this “liking” to be the key to working with each and every child, regardless of the challenge she might find herself facing.

From that first day he decided he would pull up a chair near the room entry and wait for his mom. He would just sit and look, thank you, until she arrived for him. He did this for a good six weeks, only occasionally selecting a work. The guide continued presenting lessons to him, after which he would return to his chair and wait. At their first conference, the mother said, “Donny tells us he sits in a chair and waits for me to return.” This was actually more of a question of the incredulous type than a statement. The guide assured her this was true and explained that she had every confidence in his eventual acclimation to the community and was not terribly concerned. They reviewed together what lessons she had given him and what he currently worked on when he was ready to choose.

It was not long after this first conference that he decided to leave the chair and go to work. He was a quick learner and extremely bright and she discovered that he required lessons at a quick pace in order to keep in step with his inquisitive mind and electric energy. Lags of any length between new and interesting vistas to conquer left him restless, impulsive and agitated. She recognized that this child was going to be one of her great teachers.

Donny had a current of energy that ran through him like quicksilver and in most any other school setting, he would have probably been medicated or seen in some way as ‘special’. But she could see that fascinating work kept him enticed, focused and calm.

Making friends was not easy for Donny. His parents lived separately and he lived at either home within a schedule. Both were entirely dedicated to him, to his optimum development and, being intellectually stimulating people of many and varied interests, they reared him in this way. The Children’s House was his first experience of community with other children.

Donny thought differently than most of the other 3-6 year olds. He questioned everything and especially challenged procedural guidelines. When all of the children placed their empty lunchboxes along the ellipse in ‘next available space’ order, as was the classroom custom, Donny challenged them by placing his at the opposite end. The other children were shocked and not a little disturbed at this perceived impertinence and an energetic dialogue pursued. “Why can’t I put my lunchbox at the other end? It is an end too,” he theorized. “But it isn’t in next available order!” they replied. Their sense of order, so characteristic of children ages three to six, had been challenged. Eventually – she was never quite sure why; maybe his need for dissent had been met – Donny relocated his lunchbox to the next available spot and lunch convened. After lunch he could be heard challenging the rules of the game being played outside.

By now, the guide was familiar with Donny’s resistance to change and need to pull back and study the situation before possible commitment, so it did not surprise her when it came time for him to begin Extended Day that he refused to return to the room after the morning children left. No matter that he would be in the same room with the same guide and many of the same children – to him it meant change, a change he had not agreed to. He spent a week choosing to stay on the screened-in porch after noon transition, looking in at the others working. Any time she made eye contact with him and smiled, he shook his head and looked away. But when he had decided he was ready, he came in and went to work.

The beginning of his third year in the community revealed a boy now entering his third phase of life in the community, that of older child and mentor. He continued his stellar development in the intellectual work, reading at a very high level and well into the memorization work in the math operations. But he still enjoyed challenging the limits, often in impulsive acts that seemed to spring from him with a life of their own. Now that he was approaching elementary age with its characteristic Sensitive Periods for logic, reason and morality, she had private conversations with him about “impulses” and awareness of the effect of one’s actions on others. She wanted to help him understand that impulses can be both a good and helpful act, such as holding a door open for someone or picking up trash from the floor that someone dropped, or an act that could result in discomfort or even harm for someone. They practiced from time to time noticing impulsive acts observed in the community that were helpful to others.

One day there showed up at the classroom door not one set of parents, but two sets of parents to observe. The guide quickly made accommodations for all four and then continued her work at hand. As she settled into a work with a small group of children, she noticed that Donny was working diligently binding a math booklet, meticulously collecting the little circles of paper made by the hole- puncher into the small round container that accompanied this exercise. “Good”, she thought, and returned to her work.

“Stop, Donny!” the girl shouted and the guide turned in time to observe him emptying the full container of paper dots onto the head of a nearby girl. A swirl of snow drifted onto her head, shoulders, the table and the floor. And immediately, in his eyes, the guide saw Donny’s recognition of his impulsive act. She intuitively knew that he realized his wrong choice and stood in self-reproach. She knew how quickly any missteps on her part could cause this fragile moment to shatter into shards of defensive opposition. She thought to her self, “You almost made it through this impulse, Donny. Soon you will be able to make a better choice.” Slowly and deliberately she rose to her feet and walked the distance to where the two children were. She was very conscious of the parent observers, the other children and of her own desire to choose her actions and words carefully to best work through this challenge for Donny, for Jane and for the other children.

“Oh, Jane!” She exclaimed. “I am so sorry to have to ask this of you but would you kindly sit in your chair while Donny removes each of the paper dots from your hair, the table and the floor? I will fetch you some books to read while you wait.” She maintained a cheerful, matter-of-fact calmness with no trace of punitive judgment. This was simply her respect for Donny’s dignity and her support for his making things right again.

Returning with books in tow, she settled Jane and then, turning to Donny, asked him to bring the container of dots to her table when he had finished collecting them back into the container. She returned with calm focus to her group and resumed the work. For the remainder of the work period, Donny removed paper dots from Jane’s hair, picked up those that had fluttered elsewhere, and life resumed in the community. Children spontaneously brought different books to Jane to read. The following day she received notes from the parents expressing gratitude for having the opportunity to observe the interconnections of actions and consequences in the natural life of the community.

Donny transitioned at the end of his third year into early elementary class and he eventually left the school because of a family move.

One day some years later, while leaving a program at the school’s adolescent campus, she heard her name called. Looking in the direction of the call, she saw a woman and an adolescent boy. As they neared one another in greeting, she realized it was Donny and his mother. Before her stood a tall, charmingly poised boy still wearing the dark rim glasses and smiling warmly. They chatted a while, catching up on each other and then parted ways. She marveled at the transformation in the boy and hugged this to herself for a touchstone for all those little ones who would come her way in one state and emerge much later a new child. She made a mental note in reflection on the importance of Donny in her life – as one who taught her much about children and their dance of development. She wondered if he remembered the white dot incident.